Candidate

 

During my last extended hospital stay for brain surgery, I experienced a lot of disturbing hallucinations.  I think I was mostly unconscious during these times, in my mind, I was convinced that I was being held captive by alternately two separate underground terrorist groups who for various reasons wanted me to pay for my alleged betrayal to their respective causes.  Despite not being able to walk, I managed to avoid capture for long periods of time by riding the rails all over the U.S.  Despite these situations all being imaginary, I found solace in forgoing my fight and flight instincts and giving up.  I allowed the hospital worker terrorist group to capture me for their surgical experiments and the military terrorist group to capture and imprison me for my beliefs.

It was all incredibly scary and I have had a difficult time putting these imaginary battles behind me.  However, the idea of giving up has continued to feel like a great decision – one that gains more and more appeal as time progresses.  In one of those hallucinations, I was trapped, so I simply laid down and tried to sleep.  I was done trying to find ways to allude my potential captors.  In reality, I am also finished with trying to find ways to continue to survive.  My long time fight against VHL (Von Hippel Lindau) has found me at a stalemate, yet it is a very precarious position.  I have lasted longer than I ever thought, and I am tired.

I am fully aware that millions, if not billions of people have much more difficult struggles which they handle with strength and grace.  In addition, I am fully aware that there are some people close to me who are in crisis.  I understand crisis and am absolutely out of energy to deal with it.  This is about me losing the desire to fight anymore.  VHL is a relentless and endless genetic syndrome and I am done with trying to navigate the unforgiving bureaucracy of health coverage in its many forms.  It is not enough that my health continues to decline, but that I constantly have to prove to faceless entities that I am broken.  There is a lot of paperwork necessary to prove that I am "sick," and most of it is insanely repetitive and incredibly inadequate.  I find it all discouraging and exhausting, which is why I am too tired to fight anymore.  I have fought very hard for a long time to live as normally as possible and not allow my medical asides to be anything more than an occasional distraction, which is why trying to convince others that I'm unwell is so awful..  I want to rest.  I want to crumple up all of the forms, pile it up, and climb atop and rest.

 

Lines

 

Soft Science

Lines

(Shelflife)

Ever since I was lucky enough to find Soft Science’s debut album, High and Lows, in 2011, I have been unabashedly in love.  Their fourth album, Lines, has now been out for about a month and it only affirms my continuing passion for their music.  The occasion has also provided me with the unnecessary excuse to go back and listen closely to their previous offerings.  What I’ve learned with this re-discovery tour is that they are actually better than I remembered, and that what I wrote about their second LP, 2014’s Detour: “in a subtle way they have tightened all the unnoticed loose screws and polished the surface,” amazingly holds true!  They continue to refine.

Lines plays like a legendary band’s best of/singles collection.  Their dreamy songs here lean more towards radio ready pop singles (is that a thing anymore?), and personally, I think that’s their biggest strength.  With their urgent and endlessly catchy song “Still,” my favorite song from their 2018 third album, Maps, Soft Science found the key to what sounds like effortless greatness. 

The melodic lead guitar line to “Grip,” along with the insistent bassline and Katie Haley’s perfect vocals, get me wanting to dance and completely lose myself in the amazing sounds.  It continues on from there.  “Deceiver” is like a favorite single I swear I already knew upon first listen (is that a cowbell?).  All three pre-LP singles are here: the buzzing “Sadness,” the rumbling, almost House of Love-like (Butterfly cover) “Kerosene,” and my early favorite “True,” with its words of betrayal.

With each album, Soft Science have included more keyboards which, instead of distracting or compromising their sound, has emphasized and enhanced what they already do well.  Somehow it has made their sound both more spacious and dense at the same time.  Songs like the heavy opener “Low” and its matching bookending closer “Polar,” along with the almost atonal saturation of “Stuck” and the dreamscape of “Zeros,” all remind me a little bit of excellent Spanish indie poppers Linda Guilala and their psychedelic overloads.

It is incredibly satisfying to see Soft Science getting so much attention for their new album!  Sadly, in this day and age, I don’t really know what that means.  We can all create our own little media focus, so I fully realize that I see Soft Science news, and most people likely do not.  I hope this changes.  I wish them great success and encouragement to keep our lives filled with their great music.  If you are not familiar with Soft Science and their lovable music, I strongly urge you to check them out for yourself.  All of their albums are a great place to start. 

 (https://softscienceband.bandcamp.com/)

Soft Science "True"

Scars Still LInger

 

Memories are strange things.  Each of us observes and perceives things differently, so shared memories can vary wildly.  Plus those occurrences have differing importance for each of us, so what might become a vivid memory for one observant, will become a forgotten memory for another.  It’s incomprehensible to me how memory works, or in many cases, doesn’t work.  Why do I remember very specific information about one hit wonder Canadian band, Glass Tiger, who I regard as one of the worst bands to ever have been professionally recorded, but can’t remember if I took my daily medications this morning.  I’m sure this is likely a worrisome sign of my on-setting dementia.  Why do some memories come flooding in with amazing detail at random times, while others languish in obscurity just out of reach? 

 

Glass Tiger "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone"

I’ve heard that most women who have given birth, cannot recall exactly how painful the experience was.  That would explain people who give birth more than once, but something tells me that this is fiction created by some male, to feel better about himself.  During my multiple hospital stays over the past 40 years or so, I have experienced some pretty intense pain, and I can recall the experiences very clearly, if I choose to.  I generally do not choose to.  If I ever find myself in similar situations my fight and then flight mechanisms activate quickly.  I’ve had some embarrassing scenes in recent years because of my fear of re-experiencing medical pains from the past.

 

The numbing of past pain for me has generally occurred from emotional pain – not so much physical pain, although I do not deny that they can be deeply intertwined.  However, like so many of us, I get those random late night memories thinking about a past relationship that had run afoul years ago.  Sometimes those memories are positive ones, and those good memories can be tricky.  For example, this happened to me recently.  I was looking back at a past relationship fondly, and believe it or not, could not for the life of me, remember why the relationship ended.  In this case, the very next day, I pulled some random papers from a file that had bits of past writing inside, and there it was: evidence of why that particular relationship failed.  It astounded me that it all so easily slipped my mind.  There was plenty of solid proof as to why that shit needed to end for both parties involved.  I feel like an idiot typing this!  I know, I know, but it’s these lapses in memory that can get us into trouble. 

Aren’t we supposed to learn from our experiences?  Like the old example of a child burning their fingers on a hot stove.  Next time they’ll know better.  That gets socked away into the memory banks, and for most of us, stays there forever.  I wonder why our brains selectively choose what memories to lock away for future reference, and what to discard.  Obviously, some of us are better at learning lessons from past mistakes, or remembering how to avoid pain.   

I guess I’m a little stunned at reading about a past failed relationship from the perspective of when it had still been fresh, and discovering that I had pushed those negative feelings so far aside that I wasn’t really certain of the validity of what I was reading. I immediately began to make excuses.  I allowed the obvious: the failure part of the relationship was at least mine as much as it was hers. I could only remember those good times – the comforting times.  I envisioned how we have both changed over the past several years.  Forgiveness is one thing, but foolishness is another.  Light up that stove top!  Maybe I can stick my face on there. 

 

David & David "Welcome to the Boomtown"

I find memories, whether accurate or not, incredibly important and endlessly intriguing.  Memories are made up of all of our individual experiences.  I am fascinated by people’s stories, or their collection of memories – scars and all.  To me, these are what make us all unique and interesting.  Why does the memory of first hearing David & David’s “Welcome to the Boomtown” stick with me?  Why do I remember that more so than my high school graduation?  Maybe one day that specific memory will serve me.  Maybe not, but it does tell a small story about who I am and what I’m made of.  It’s these things that I want to know about others.  It concerns me that I know fictional characters from novels, television shows, or movies better than some people I’ve known for thirty years.  Why do so many of us keep our experiences so close to the vest?  I suppose that most of us simply don’t trust each other with this personal information or we don’t care.  Perhaps, if we were more willing to share our memories with each other, we might collectively learn more life lessons.  Or perhaps not.

Into Nothing

 

Ten Million Lights

Into Nothing

(self-released)

The ultimatum.  The word alone sends chills down my spine.  I guess I’m too wishy-washy.  I don’t think in terms of all or nothing all of the time.  Not only do I shy away from such definitive thought, but from people who think in such terms.  I simply don’t get it.  In some ways, I wish I did.  However, ultimatums are relationship sabotage.  A restricted choice that generally pits one person against another – as if one cannot accept both.  I can understand an ultimatum in some circumstances, but life is rarely so simple.  “Swaying,” the extended first song from Ten Million Lights’ new third LP, Into Nothing, encapsulates frustration at being pinned down by restrictive choices in a very relatable way. 

“Swaying” is perfectly titled, as it has a swaying musical quality, especially the extended instrumental dreaminess that makes up the final half of the song.  It shares a similar back and forth vibe to Slowdive’s early instrumental “Avalyn II.”  The first half, more reminds me of the old Jane’s Addiction song “Summertime Rolls.”  Despite the free-flowing swing of the music, there is a serious tension built up in the verses that releases in the defiant chorus.  When Ryan Carroll spurts out a sneering “No way,” it is incredibly satisfying.  One can sense a strong sarcasm as he sings “ooh, what’s it gonna be / the red pill or the green?” 

Into Nothing is full of strong and memorable choruses.  I’m particularly smitten with the Beach Boys-esque vocal melodies of the twisted two minute curiosity that is “Irreverence.”  “Lights Out” also shares an ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ chorus, along with a stuttering guitar riff that feels very comfortable for long time followers of this band.  The first single, “Snowdrift,” includes their usual subdued vocal approach, but has an incredibly light musical touch that feels fresh and intriguing.  My early favorite song is the melancholic “Wilder,” which captures the stifled feeling of being absolutely overwhelmed by something as to become speechless.  It includes a dreamy rainy day reflection that I have always found incredibly alluring.  The following song, “Shaky Man,” etches a similar vibe as it finds acceptance in the changing of the season and needing help.   

If you’re looking for crunchier numbers, they are here in spades.  The rollicking “On with the Show” begins with Russ Ellis’ lurking bassline and some serious buildup to another fantastic rousing chorus.  Likewise, “Burn it all Down,” achieves exactly as the title suggests, while the urgent “Cherry Sun” has some serious squalling guitar fills throughout. 

There is a bass-heavy murkiness in the sound of Into Nothing that reminds me of the old NW grunge days, and by that I mean before it became a buzz word.  There was a dark and shadowy fear-laden NW indie rock sound that was equal parts no frills hard as nails rock, Led Zeppelin wizardry, and punk.  “Hot Water,” the closing epic rocker, captures all of this and it sounds new and refreshing.

(https://tenmillionlights.bandcamp.com/)

Ten Million Lights "Lights Out"

 

Is it for Me?

Have you ever looked through Facebook’s “People You May Know” listings?  There are multiple levels of connections that come up: everything from people you may not know at all, but who have a singular “friend” connection to someone you have a hundred social media friends in common with to someone that you actually know in person.  Ed found these suggestions fascinating as he would peruse through them, surprised to occasionally see musicians from bands that he was a huge fan of as a kid being suggested, because of mutual friends.  Who would’ve thought?  He might get a suggestion for someone that he went to high school with, who is already connected to all the same former classmates that he is.  Makes him wonder why he didn’t get the friend request nod from that old acquaintance.  Did he do something wrong all those years ago?  Are they still holding onto a grudge?  He wonders why he doesn’t send the friend request himself.  Probably out of stubbornness. 

Every so often, he’ll see someone on the list that he had forgotten about and memories crash his thoughts. 

Seeing Susan hit him like a ton of bricks.  Her profile picture was mostly unrecognizable from how he remembered her.  Her style had changed significantly.  For a short period of time, she had been the center of his social world.  Now, she was a cartoonist/satirist, who also made short lo-fi indie solo recordings, AND worked as a software engineer in the Bay Area.  What he found most interesting is that she hit his “you may know” list – not because of mutual friends from their brief shared past, but because of more current shared music circles.

Ed remembered her as tall, broad shouldered, and always in control of the chaos around her.  Susan was a force of nature!  An art major who grew up on a small farm not too far from the university they both attended.  She was more forward and outgoing than anyone he had ever met, a truly magnetic individual.  Everything seemed fun for her, and she was fun to be around.  She was one of those rare people that could effortlessly connect with just about anyone.  Ed felt comfortable around her and immediately opened up to her.  He was rarely that at ease with most of his longtime friends and family.  He recalled sharing an early morning Illustration class with her one semester, and even though, he generally slept in and often missed the class, she always seemed to like him, and thankfully adopted him into her circle of friends.

Susan had lived on campus in a four-person room.  Her and her roommates: Stacy, Tina and Marcy were the best of friends. They were freshmen, and new to the school, except for Tina, but it felt like those four had all known each other for years.  Stacy, a business major, was a stunning blond girl who took an immediate dislike to Ed and completely ignored his presence, other than naming him “chump.”  He kept his distance, despite Susan’s invitations.  Tina was an art major, very reclusive, and a massive fan of both Bauhaus and The Cure.  Ed shared her music tastes, but Tina did not appreciate his penchant for singing along with her beloved songs, especially when he changed the words.  The music was all very serious to her.  She taught him that ‘Tina’ was short for ‘Christina,’ and that it could be short for a variety of names.  He had never thought about this before, always assuming ‘Tina’ was a stand-alone name.  It reminded him that he never liked being called ‘Ed,’ because no one took it seriously.  It was always treated like a joke name.  He half-heartedly tried to get people at his new school to call him ‘Edward,’ but no one did, except for Marcy.  Susan told him that she went from being a ‘Sue’ in high school, to ‘Susan’ now.  She pulled it off.  No one ever called her ‘Sue.’  Ed especially hated the nickname of ‘Eddy,’ but when Susan started calling him ‘Eddy,’ his heart would skip a beat and imaginary butterflies would spin around his head.  Marcy reminded him of Marcie from Peanuts.  It was a lazy comparison, but they kind of looked the same.  She was a care-taker.  If someone in the group was sick, she took care of them.  She took care of the group all the time.  In retrospect, Ed could see how she was incredibly underappreciated and he felt bad about that.  Most of his regrets in life stemmed from not fully appreciating people from his past.  Taking them for granted.  He wanted to be more like Susan, and always leave a positive impression on people.  Maybe more of them would him a friend request.

 

Being friends with Susan always meant you were going to be part of a group.  She grew up the youngest of many siblings.  Ed could not identify.  He had one much older brother, and craved isolation.  There were always guys hanging around this group of four young women. Because they both were incredibly attractive, Susan and Stacy drew young men like bees to honey, or moths to light.  He wondered what that would be like - constantly being sought out and getting attention.  It would seem annoying to Ed, but Susan always welcomed the attention.  Stacy did not like it at all.  She often complained about it, but she didn’t try very hard to stop it, as her audience were the guys who always hung around her.  Tina drew her own admirers, who wore black and wrote poetry, but she had a boyfriend named Jarrod.  Marcy was always busy taking care of the group.  I was not the only person who took her for granted.

Besides Ed, the usual visitors to what became known as “the Room,” were the two Dave’s, James, Dan and John, and, of course, Jarrod who took no time before essentially moving into “the room.”  Both Dave’s were tall and handsome and seemed older.  Dave B. was an outgoing black man, who had a quick wit and a gregarious personality.  Dave D. had a similar personality, was white, had long dreadlocks, and wore tie-dye shirts and ragged ropes as bracelets around his thick wrists.  Ed did not know what brought the Dave’s to college, other than to be campus legends.  James had a goatee, always wore a sweater, had an impressive deep bass of a voice, a talent for writing, and knew Susan from their theatre class.  Jarrod was a loud, opinionated, quick witted, pop culture wizard, who was a creative writing major.  Ed liked these guys, but never liked Dan and John.  He found them both off-putting.  He didn’t trust them. Ed had met them in a few of his classes that first semester.  They had all been business majors.  In fact, by the urging one of their professors, they all shared a subscription to the Wall Street Journal.  He quickly learned that he had no business being a business major, so he adjusted his academic schedule beyond that first semester.  He wasn’t sure what he disliked more – the classes or his classmates. 

Ed had always been a conscientious student growing up.  He always did his homework and tried his best, eschewing any kind of social life in favor of studying and being alone.  He didn’t like the unpredictability of other people.  He felt safe at home.  His older brother was the opposite, always out with his friends and his endless amount of girlfriends.  If he wasn’t out, girls were climbing into his second story bedroom window on a nightly basis.  Ed couldn’t figure it out, because he couldn’t get himself to talk to the girls at school.  There was one girl, named Tracy, who lived nearby, and clearly had a crush on Ed’s brother.  She somehow had the nerve to come to his home and talk to him.  He was never home, so Ed’s mom would invite her in, and she would sit uncomfortably in silence with Ed, while he did his homework, and his mom, while she did whatever the hell she did – balance the checkbook, or whatever.  His mom would ask Tracy questions about her life, and then eventually, Ed would finish his homework and he and Tracy would hang out and listen to music or watch TV. 

The thing is, he found he could talk with her.  It was easy.  She was only a few years older than him, but Ed thought of Tracy as an adult.  She was still a kid to his brother, who had no time for her.  Tracy became a constant companion for Ed.  He really liked hanging out with her.  He and his small group of neighborhood friends would stop by and visit Tracy in her apartment on summer afternoons.  They would watch those teenage slasher movies from the early 80s – the ones their parents wouldn’t let them watch.  They would all be as obnoxious as they could, because they could get away with it, and Tracy would pretend to be outraged.  Ed never really thought much about those short-lived interactions with Tracy.  Never realized that she was always alone – that a parent was never around.  That there was only a trashed couch and a TV on the floor as furnishings.  He never really noticed that his mom would always cook her food when Tracy would come to see his brother.  He really didn’t notice when she stopped coming over once the next school year began.  He just remembered how fun she was to be around and how easy she was to get along with.

After sophomore year of college, almost everyone in Ed’s social circle - everyone who lived in or constantly hung around “the room” - were either gone, planning to move out of the dorms, or away.  The living on campus thing was no longer a requirement, so moving out felt like an obligation to most students.  Ed applied to become a Resident Assistant as a work study job and for free room.  He wasn’t ready to share a big home or dingy apartment with a bunch of other people.  As an RA, he would get a private dorm room.  He was used to dorm life.  Both of the Dave’s had already disappeared from school – truly becoming legends.  Tina graduated.  Stacy was from the area, so she would begin to commute to school from home.  Marcy decided to attend school closer to her home in the Midwest.  James had disappeared after freshman year.  Jarrod had set up life with some friends of his in a tiny apartment near campus and Dan and John joined a fraternity and moved into that house.  Susan, was planning on moving in to an old farmhouse on her parents’ property that summer and talked about commuting the 45 minutes to school.

That summer, Ed went back home to the small coastal town he grew up.  Went back to work his old high school job and to forget about his crumbling school life that hovered less than two hours away.  In August, he received a letter with no return address.  The purple envelope was full of funny little pictures and squiggly drawings.  Curious, he tore into the envelope.  It was a short note from Susan.  She was moving into the farmhouse on her parents’ property outside of McMinnville.  Would he be interested in helping her move?  She went on to write about her adventures (lots of rivers and lakes and campsites) and how excited she was to finally have a place of her own.  She offered that there would be beer and BBQ as encouragement to help her move.  There was a silly looking map and drawing of her new home.  She closed by letting him know that he was missed and loved.  Ed read that note over and over again. 

A week later, he was driving his parent’s car toward the valley.  It was still early, but the heat was already quite intense.  He thought about Susan.  He didn’t know when he had developed such a massive crush on her.  His previous crushes had developed quickly and he would agonize over them for long periods – beating himself up for his inability to communicate.  Susan simply started talking to him one day in class, and he surprisingly kept his end of the conversation.  Ever since then, he found himself following her around as often as he could.  She seemed to like him, which confused and confounded him.  He was not adept at reading signals.  During his high school years, he was friends with a girl from his Spanish Class.  They rode the same bus home from school most days.  They bonded over music and began to hang out a lot.  He considered her one of his best friends, but then after they went to see a movie one evening, she seemed upset with him, and from then on they stopped hanging out.  He began to wonder, if they had been dating, without his knowledge.  Had it been a real life version of Some Kind of Wonderful?  Whatever the case, his realization was too late, not that he would have known how to address it anyway.

 

Susan was different.  Not only did he feel more relaxed and at ease with her than anyone prior, but he thought she was the prettiest person he’d ever met, and he was drawn to her.  Her casual nature was contagious.  It inspired her uncluttered style.  Ed began to feel sad and disappointed when he wasn’t around her.  Now, he was on his way to visit her.  Would they be alone, or would the usual entourage be there?  Butterflies flapped intensely in his gut.  He leaned back and tried to lose himself in the music on the mix tape he had made her, and ended up flying by the turn he needed to make to get to her place.

Ed slammed on the brakes and skidded to a stop.  Then he simply started up again along the empty two-lane highway.  He was embarrassed, even though no one was around on the country highway.  He continued forward until he found a place to turn around and go back. 

The side road to Susan’s house was gravel.  There was an incline up the road for about a half mile with brown cut fields on both sides.  For the next half mile, the road descended into a valley of giant oak trees, and the road curved around these before going back uphill.  Finally, the road crested a final slope into another open field.  A dilapidated one story house sat ahead under a pair of huge oaks.  An unmown brown field lay directly behind the house, followed by more trees and a forested hillside.  There were four cars parked in front of the house.  He saw someone who looked like James carrying a box from a pick-up truck to the house.

Ed pulled into the circle shaped space, trying not to block anyone in.  He climbed out and felt the hot sun on his skin and recoiled for a second.  It was so bright that even his tightly squinted eyes couldn’t keep his pupils protected.  He stretched and turned toward the house.  Standing on the porch to the old dilapidated and peeling house was Susan.  She stood tall in front of the open entrance.  She was wearing pale blue overalls, with a tight bright yellow t-shirt underneath.  Her long, straight, light brown hair was blowing smalls strands across her freckled nose and big toothy grin.  She waved and called out to him.  He stumbled his way up the two steps onto the porch and she put her arms out to accept a hug.  He obliged and held her uncomfortably tight and perhaps a beat too long.  He had recently developed a habit of leaning his head onto the shoulder of whomever he was embracing.  He did this and he did not want it to end.  She smelled like vanilla.  

She broke his embrace and directed him to the open front door.  “Come inside!  The gang’s all here!”

Inside, James was standing near the entryway over the box he had been carrying.  He waved at Ed; with a smirk on his face.  To the right was a living space that had two old couches pushed together to form on ‘L,’ framing a very large stone fireplace.  On each couch sat one of the two Dave’s.  Both were strumming and picking away at acoustic guitars.  Ed could not tell what they were playing, if anything, nor could he decide if they had each brought their instruments, which he thought was a little over the top. 

“Sup?” both Dave’s groaned in unison.  Dave B. gave him a smile and a creepy wink, before re-engaging with the fretboard.  Ed, nodded, and turned back to Susan standing in the doorway.  “What can I do?”

Susan asked James to put the box at his feet in the kitchen, which was situated behind the big fireplace.

“All that’s left is a few more boxes in the pick-up, and another truckload at my parents’ place,” she replied, before adding, “Thank you for coming!” 

Ed turned to grab a box from the pick-up outside.  He felt eager and energetic.  He and James took turns carrying the boxes into the house, and exchanging friendly quips.  Susan directed them to various locations in the two-bedroom house to put the boxes, and the two Dave’s squealed a terrible rendition of Janes Addiction’s signature song: “Jane Says” from the couches.

 

After the boxes had all been unloaded, Susan offered everyone a beer.  She had two large ice chests full of bottles of Henry Weinhard’s beer.  Before he accepted one, he trotted outside into the sunshine to grab the mix-tape he had put together for her.  She yelped with joy when he held it out for her, and then, immediately put it into a cassette player she had already set up in the kitchen.  He had designed the tape to start out fairly quiet and then slowly build in intensity and volume.  The intensity was meant to reflect his loneliness and his internal war against his own crushing shyness, as well as his growing feelings for her.  As soon as the first song hit, the two Dave’s both started to protest and complain about the dourness of Ed’s musical tastes.  They both grabbed another beer and Dave B. began mimicking and mocking the vocals of the first song.  Ed kept his mouth shut, feeling a tinge of embarrassment, and took a long pull on the cold bottle in his hand.  Most of its contents were taken in that first drink.  He was done with being there.  He wished that she would save the tape for another time. 

Susan giggled a soft protest to the Dave’s, and then began putting together a plan for everyone to go up to her parents’ place and retrieve the remainder of her things and bring them back to unload.  She figured one more pick-up load would be enough.  After that she would BBQ up some beef patties and chicken. 

James and Ed slid into the cab of Susan’s pick-up and she drove further up the gravel drive past a big field with what looked like grape vines and toward a huge house behind them.  She pointed out that her parents were going into the wine business.  They all went inside.  There were about twelve boxes stacked up and ready just inside the door, and two big lamps with their shades lying next to them.  No one else seemed to be around.  The house was dark and very cool.  Ed liked the chill of the air.  None of the boxes were heavy and they quickly hauled everything out to the back of the pick-up.  Ed and James tried their best to tightly wedge the lamps in so they would stay upright along the bumpy gravel drive.  Susan seemed to be comfortable with their effort. 

Back at Susan’s much smaller home, Ed was relieved that the lamps survived the journey unscathed.  He grabbed the necks of each, and carefully walked them into the front room.  He noticed the Dave’s had shut off the mixtape, opened more beer, and were murdering some song that he couldn’t quite place from their off-tone acoustics.  The remainder of the boxes were brought in by Ed, James and Susan upon her direction for which room.  The Dave’s each had slowly stumbled outside, each fully adorned in work attire – Dave D. even had put on gloves – and brought in the remaining two lamp shades. 

“Thanks a lot, you turds!  I mean, my heroes,” Susan shouted at the Dave’s.  “Appreciate the help!” she exclaimed, shaking her head with a big smile on her face.  “I’ll start the coals.”  She walked out onto a back patio from a door off of the kitchen.  There was a round table out there, a few white plastic chairs, and a small charcoal cooker outside.  Ed followed her out there and asked what else she needed done.  She asked him to pour some charcoal from the giant red, white, and blue bag into the black grill.  Several of the briquettes bounced around on the ground beneath the grill.  

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Ed summoned up the nerve to tell her.  He wasn’t feeling good about being there.

“Aw, man, you don’t want to stay and hang out?” she pleaded with him, as she motioned to the grill and towards the music emanating from inside the house.  She smiled, and angled her lips to blow a strand of hair out of her face.  She looked a little exasperated and mumbled “take me with you,” as she ducked back into the house – her home. 

Ed would’ve gladly taken her with him.  Absolutely, anywhere she wanted to go.  Instead, she returned with a plate with beef patties and a couple of boneless chicken breast fillets on a plate.  She set the plate down and turned to stand in front of him.  She put both of her hands on his slumped shoulders and looked him in the eyes and said, “thank you for helping, and for the tape.”  Then she put both of her hands on his cheeks and closed in for a big sloppy kiss on his lips.  He was surprised and a little alarmed.  It was over before he knew what was going on.  Her kiss tasted like candy blueberries – not like the salty kisses he had previously experienced.  He stood there dumbfounded for a moment and then reached in to hug her tightly, before turning to head through the house.  “Take care of yourself Eddy.”

Ed felt weak at the knees, and a little blind, as he navigated his way from the bright sun of the patio to the darkness inside.  

“Catch you guys later,” he shouted as he hit the front doorway.  He heard a few voices respond with a resounding group “Yo!” 

He numbly drove back home.  It was a quiet 45 minutes or so, as he decided not to turn on any music.  He felt overwhelmingly sad and wasn’t sure why. 

 When he returned to the small beach community he grew up, he drove to a beach access, got out of the car, and huddled into a pile of driftwood bunched up as far from the ocean as possible while still being on the beach.  He hid there, protected from the vicious and chilly north wind.  He liked the beach for his meditative moments; because the beach was its own environment.  The roaring of the waves and the constant wind overwhelmed his senses.  Sometimes Ed would feel a little beaten up after hitting the beach.  It was its own world.  The fact, that he could only hear and feel the sea and its contained ecosystem, helped him focus. 

He brought a pad of paper and a pen.  He considered writing a letter to Susan, but no words came to mind.  He thought the world of her, and ached for her attention.  She was almost always in his thoughts.  Everything reminded him of her.  Ed felt inspired to be a better person in her honor.  He thought a lot about this.  He admired the way she treated people, seemingly without prejudgment, and so welcomingly.  He strove for this.  He always felt very good around her – very comfortable, but he was never sure, if this was just how she treated everyone.  Was there a chance that she liked him in a way that he liked her?  Ed was pretty sure that he was unlikeable.  He could not fathom how someone so vibrant, smart, funny and pretty could ever be interested him beyond being a portion of her constant entourage.

After the beach stop, Ed began mentally beating himself up for not writing, or even starting the letter.  He drove up and down Highway 101 cranking music as loudly as he could.  He cruised by the old high school hot hang out spots and wasted as much time as he could in an effort to squeeze out every bit of angst he was feeling, or until he was tired, whichever came first. 

That night, when he got back to his childhood home.  No one was there.  His parents were out.  He didn’t turn on any lights, and instead turned on the old television before flopping face first onto the old orange couch – the one he’d grown up watching TV from.  He turned the channel to WTBS for their weekend video show Night Tracks.

 

Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians "So You Think You're in Love"

The first video he saw was a very generic music video for Robyn Hitchcock’s “So You Think You’re in Love.”  The song was okay, he thought, but didn’t hold a candle to the previous year’s acoustic marvel Eye, or even his pseudo commercial breakthrough Queen Elvis prior to that.  The second video was from Toad the Wet Sprocket.  It was a video for a song named “Is it for Me?”  The video featured super saturated sun-drenched images – bright for the eyes.  For some reason, he always liked that technique.  The video also seemed to depict the band as a rag tag bunch doing stuff around an old farmhouse.  The singer, Glen Phillips, is dressed very much the same way as Susan had been earlier.  He was fully enthralled in the music video for a song that he had zero interest.  It all felt very familiar and now he was pretty sure that he had developed a crush on the singer for Toad the Wet Sprocket as well.

 

Toad the Wet Sprocket "Is it for Me?"

Recovering from his trip down memory lane, which had been brought on from looking at Susan’s Facebook profile picture, Ed tried to interpret how she was doing now after all these years.  Not easy from a small picture.  She looked so different, but not so much due to the passage of time.  Her hair was now styled carefully with bangs, and she wore a lot of eyeliner.  He remembered her not wearing make-up when they were at school together, or the last time he saw her at the farmhouse.  

Ed opened up Susan’s Bandcamp page to listen to her musical offerings.  He wanted so much to like her acoustic indie pop sketches, but he decidedly did not.  He listened to most of them, which were all under two minutes each.  He wanted to become a fan and supporter of her music in the worst way, but it was not going to happen.  He went back to her Facebook profile to look at some of her cartoons.  These were interesting, thought-provoking and occasionally scathing towards her intended target.  

Nervously he clicked on the “Add Friend” button. 

Thank you to Ken Grandlund for help unscrambling my writing.

 

Song Stories: That Was Another Country

When Wil and I started the This Wreckage ‘zine over 30 years ago now, the idea is that we would have people submit material that we would throw in each issue as is and put it out to the world.  What we didn’t realize going in is that most people do not want to actually share things like that.  We struggled in finding material to achieve our albeit ambitious goal of a monthly issue. 

However, in a small way, I’d like to float out a similar request we used to do every issue, but with more of a singular focus.  I am hoping that anyone who reads this would be willing to send some kind of story of a certain song that means something to them.  This could mean a short story, an essay, a drawing, a photograph, a poem, a few words, I don’t know.  One of my favorite things is to tie music to pretty much every waking minute of my life.  It’s a problem really.  There are hundreds of songs that evoke a lot of emotions for me for a variety of reasons based on their being nearby at the time.  I absolutely love hearing and reading other people’s stories along these lines.  I don’t care the genre, or the artist, or my personal history, if any, with the song, I find these stories endlessly fascinating.

I’m hoping to encourage any and every one who might be willing to send some of their stories to me via messenger, or via email: tangledrec@hotmail.com.  I would like to share them here, on this site, if given the permission.

-Chris G.

Please ask any questions you may have.

The very early 90s marked an intense period of loss for me.  I languished in grief for a few years over the loss of friends, loss of love, health, and potential.  It took me a long time to begin to pull out of the darkness.  In great part due to the constant flow of incredible music that I was discovering during those years, I began to feel inspired and alive again.  I think a lot of us form our tastes for things during those formative early 20s years, at least it was that way for me, especially with music.  By that point, I began to realize that I had a preference for female vocals with my “post modern” rock music, but with a few exceptions, I was not a fan of the high pitched baby voiced singers.  Sure, I could make excuses for the ones that were okay with me, but I could not truly determine why some worked and some didn’t.  I’m sure most of it came down to the music behind the voice and THE SONGS!  So, I loved and continue to love The Sundays, but most of what would often get compared to them, I never got into.  For example, when US combo, the innocence mission, were signed to major A&M Records, they were promoted as a US version of The Sundays, or the next 10,000 Maniacs.  In 1991, I received an A&M Records promo CD, which included a few innocence mission songs from their second LP, Umbrella.  No matter how many times I listened to those songs, I could not get into them.  It’s not that they were bad, it’s just that they had no hooks, or grit (even 10,000 Maniacs had some edge when they began], and Karen Peris’ baby-voiced vocals became off-putting.  However, in 1995, I began hearing the intriguing dreamy/warbly guitar sounds and high pitched vocals of “Bright As Yellow,” on our local commercial “alternative” radio station.  I could not get enough of that song.  It possessed a similar dusty, airy and exotic feel as Mazzy Star’s first single “Halah,” which, of course, drew from the timeless voice of Patsy Cline.  It was a pleasure to hear repeatedly and an increasing addiction.

As I have mentioned prior, the innocence mission’s third album, Glow, is an amazing, inspired, and powerful triumph (previous article: Bright As Yellow).  It is pretty, it contains catchy memorable songs, has great performances, is immaculately produced and contains the song “That Was Another Country,” one of the best distillations of feeling loss.  The words, seem to be looking back at joyous experiences from the past with the narrator’s full gang of family of and friends, yet as early as the first verse we are given a hint that everything may not be alright: “taking blankets to the bay / It’s the same / And he was fine / and in the first place was around.” Then we are taken down a road of the loss of innocence as in regards to life and death and that perhaps this person was in crisis.  The chorus repeats: “are you alright” in a way that does not define if the narrator was helpless in trying to save them, or if they’re regretful for not asking that question when it was still possible.  The music is wistful, full of life, and in combination with the vocals devastating in its heartbreak, yet somehow overwhelmingly life-affirming.  Its ultimate conclusion: “you are still my friend / you didn’t go out of my life” is one of comfort.  As someone who aspires to write, and I mean with talent, not in bulk like I do, I admire the ability of conveying so much emotion and tangible visuals with such a minimum of words.  “That Was Another Country” never ceases to break my heart and fill me with a spine tingling desire to truly appreciate this life we have.

I did not continue to follow the innocence mission’s later work, because it never struck me in the same way.  Glow will live on in my small pantheon of prolific artists where I especially love only one of their albums like The Darling Buds’ Erotica and The Cardigans’ Gran Turismo.

the innocence mission "that was another country"

Versions of Us

 

Lanterns on the Lake

Versions of Us

(Bella Union)

There are many contradictions in my behavior and beliefs, but one I’ve only fully realized in recent years is how I seem to have an incredibly strong sense of survival, despite often having a desire to die.  When I’ve been confronted with some pretty catastrophic health issues over the years, I fight like crazy!  When things have been touch and go, I come out gasping for air like someone who’s been under water for an extreme length of time.  Both doctors and nurses have commented on my will to live and my willingness to fight.  It’s funny to me, because they don’t see how I react at some real minor inconveniences that can and often do completely shut me down.  If I receive mail of any kind that involves forms, or when I am fumbling around too much with my hands, or wobbly on my feet, or am dropping everything I try to hold or pick up, I think to myself, how much I don’t want to keep on living.  Every time I encounter debates involving denial of facts and all reason, my response is to shut down.  I’d rather die than deal with that shit.  All of these things have become large factors in my life these days, so I am worried that my fight – my will to survive is declining.  This is why the newest Lanterns on the Lake album, Versions of Us, is so important.

Lanterns on the Lake have been a massive favorite of mine since their earliest self-released and packaged EPs, I regard their debut album,  2011’s Gracious Tide, Take Me Home, as one of the finest debuts of the 2000s, while their follow-up, 2013’s, Until the Colours Run, is an all-timer for me (2013 #1 pick - see here).  That LPs first single, “Another Tale from Another English Town” is remarkable in its cinematic beauty and quiet, yet bitter protest.

There is a positivity that runs through Versions of Us that strikes like a kick to the ass to get in gear and live!   We’re not talking about saccharine messages of hope, but a well-worn reaction earned in the face of serious darkness.  It’s striking, and I’m here for it.  I, for one, am tired of all of the negativity.  I need to turn things around and build up that life affirming resiliency again.

This sense of positivity is important, because singer Hazel Wilde is reminding us that we can all collectively and individually learn from our previous poor habits and assumptions and do better.  “The Saboteur” spells this out in a very straightforward way, in a very memorable chorus, which is heightened by Paul Gregory’s soaring guitar work: 

“Gripped to the past til our fingers bleed

Habit of a century

We’re going to turn this thing round like you wouldn’t believe.” 

The first pre-LP single, “The Likes of Us,” opens the album with a plea for positivity acceptance.  It’s like Wilde is working out her new strategy by accepting that she’s a “wreck,” but asking for all of us fellow down trodden folks to let her have this, “all of these cynics and nihilists couldn’t stop me from feeling this.”

The second single, “String Theory,” finds solace in the idea of a multiverse.  The notion that there are an infinite number of us progressing through time pleases her, knowing that at least one of those versions is having a great time.  It’s kind of funny, but there’s an urgency to this song that is incredibly infectious and hopeful, like witnessing an especially epic sunrise. 

Lanterns on the Lake, with their swelling surges of sound, have always had the ability to create spine-tingling moments that tap into hidden and unspeakable emotions that make one’s face contort to hold back the flood.  This album is no exception, and here we find them perhaps more accessible than ever before.  The previously mentioned singles are upbeat, concise, and with a driving beat from Radiohead’s Philip Selway, songs like “String Theory,” sound crucial and exciting.  Elsewhere, “Real Life” is as close to a catchy pop song that they’ve ever attempted, and it creates an especially spine tingling moment during the bridge, once Gregory’s guitar melds with Angela Chan’s searing violin.  I honestly cannot get enough of it.  “Rich Girls” is another stunner with its warm buzzing organ hum, low end bass, a stuttering beat, and the rousing chorus that absolutely soars, as Wilde clings to her goal of positivity, even if she has to fake it.

Hazel Wilde’s lyrics have always been excellent.  Here they feel more conversational than ever before.  Perhaps she’s writing these affirmations to herself, yet they come off more like an evolving conversation with an old friend.  There’s a humor and humility (“And your guru tries to help / Keeps telling me to love myself / But he can’t stand me either”) here that is familiar and trusting.

This fifth album is already one of my favorites!  Increasingly, with each album release Lanterns on the Lake unveil, there are stories about how the making of that new album almost didn’t happen, because of various issues.  They have continuously lost members through the years, yet they keep on going and remaining remarkably vital.  I am thankful that they remain steadfast and keep this amazing music coming.  Whenever I hear someone say “there’s no good music anymore,” I think of artists like this, and laugh to myself about how ridiculous that notion is.

(https://www.lanternsonthelake.com)

Lanterns on the Lake "String Theory"