New Life

Each year when I take time away from work and pretty much anything else that is part of my daily life to attend the annual LPGA event here in Portland, I am reminded of one very specific thing: the way I live my life needs to change.  It becomes more acute each year.

I’ve written incessantly and repetitively in this blog over the last few years about my obsession with attending this tournament – the Portland Classic (see Summerside, The Clown via LPGA.com, Numb, and Sparkle in the Rain for past recaps).   What began as a tournament that I sheepishly checked out on a whim in 2010 has now turned into my only planned days off from work and the main thing I look forward to each year.  This past weekend proved that the shine is not wearing off.  This was probably the best one yet!  Each year I throw myself into this event with more and more gusto and keep adding ways to get more involved.  It is this sign of life and burst of energy and enthusiasm that emphasizes each time how unhappy I am with much of my life outside of this annual week long event.

Morgan Pressel

 There are far too many highlights for me to even begin to scratch the surface here.  There are so many little moments that occur when the LPGA stars are just out and about everywhere you happen to venture around the golf course property.  I mean, just by chance, Morgan Pressel and I caught glances as she strode down the first hole after her opening tee shot during the first round and I threw up a silly wave hello, which she returned in kind, along with a goofy grin!  It was fun to see Hee Young Park jump into one of the local food carts to serve food immediately after shooting a seven under 65 on Saturday. 

Hee Young Park working at Bro Dogs

Irene Coe

I was able to meet two professionals during the early week Pro-Ams that I volunteer caddied for: the delightfully chatty and energetic Irene Coe, early Monday morning (who sadly had to withdraw from the tournament due to back pain), and the fantastic Swedish major winner Anna Nordqvist on the hot Wednesday afternoon prior to tournament play the next morning.  A friend also gave me VIP passes to the “Champions Club,” which is the hospitality tent perched behind the 18^th green at all golf tournaments - the ones where people eat and drink for free and seem to live a life I don’t really understand.  

Anna Nordqvist

The big highlight for me, of course, was getting to see my favorite golfer Jee Young Lee make the cut and see her hit every shot of all four rounds. I have chronicled how I encountered Lee two years ago with my first volunteer caddy group and how she became my latest favorite golfer, but this year, as I watched her struggle and scratch for pars and wind up only in a tie for 72^nd place, I wondered to myself: “why she is so fascinating to me?”  Why is it that I live and die with every shot she hits?  When she hits an approach iron to six inches for a kick in birdie, like she did on the 11^th hole Sunday, my heart soars with joy and I love seeing her normal stern determined game face brighten with a huge smile.  But then when she hits a dying duck hook out of bounds on the relatively easy par 5 seventh hole to score a double bogey (also on Sunday – just after I thought to myself, “Today is going to be a good day!” - proving that I am probably a curse), I feel awful.  I feel despondent.  I feel frustrated and I feel for her.  Golf, unlike most competitive activities, is so isolating and so exposed and a player is actually paid based on performance (i.e.: the worse one does, the less money they make, which means fewer opportunities to be in tournaments – imagine that in the NBA or MLB on a game by game basis).  So much of the game is played inside one’s head and there are so many things that can go wrong and generally do.  Jee Young Lee has all of the tools to be one of the best players on tour – I have no doubt.  I have seen a lot of great players up close and she has the tools.  She can hit it really far and straight.  She has the skill to get up and down from almost anywhere (as I’ve said before, she has hit three of the most amazing shots I’ve ever seen), she can curve the ball left and right.  Her putting is very smooth and consistent.  I guess I root for her so hard, because identify with her.  Why isn’t she better?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if she lacks the focus, or the confidence, or just has bad luck, or has simply lost the fun.  I often ask the same questions of myself.  I truly believe I have the tools to do a lot of good things in this world, but everything feels like a struggle and I never feel like I can excel or can break free from standing still.  But most importantly, I don’t feel much passion for what I spend most of my time doing.  It’s a terrible cycle that I know I need to break free from, I simply am not sure how.

Jee Young Lee putting

Every time I have seen Jee Young Lee play, she has had a different caddy.  This year, her caddy Kelly, was a northwest guy – from Gig Harbor, Washington.  I learned this because the only consistent people in the gallery besides me all four days were an older couple who followed JYL shot for shot just as I did. This couple were Kelly’s parents and it is amazing and sweet how much people will talk about their kids with very little prompting.  Apparently, several years ago, Kelly decided to pick up and go to the Bandon Dunes Golf Resort (amazing place) and attend their caddy school for a few days (my kind of schooling!) and become a caddy for the resort.  Well, eventually, through another caddy he knew, he was asked to fill in on an LPGA player’s bag for a week and now he has been doing so for a few years.  He travels the world, caddies over in South Korea for their pro tour during the LPGA offseason.  He went out and grabbed his very humble dream.  He does not yet have a regular player that has hired him.  His parents were hopeful that Jee Young Lee would take him to Evian France with her in two weeks, but that had yet to be determined.

I bring this up, because I have often joked about how I hope that an LPGA player takes me on as her caddy – snagging me out of the crowd during the tournament.  How I want one of them to take me away and rescue me from the sludge and grind I dwell in 51 weeks a year.  I honestly don’t know if I would enjoy caddying.  I don’t know if I have the desire to travel that much and have the guts to live without the security of a regular paycheck (only a select few caddies get that steady money making machine player on the pro golf circuit), and I would worry about my health care.  But the message rang out loud and clear.  I need to find a new direction.  It is past time to begin forging a new life – a new direction.  I need to learn how to let go of the security of doing what I always do, and have always done, and start the search for what will make me want to get out of bed each day.  I know life will always have its ups and downs, but maybe those down times won’t seem so insurmountable if I actually feel a little better about myself.

Sparkle in the Rain

As I passed my always delightful and animated co-worker Jody in the downstairs hallway at work, we exchanged our usual greetings, but then she suddenly stopped.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I paused, “Maybe a little under the weather.”  This was my description of how terrible I have been feeling battling off the side effects of my new and massively increased immune suppressant medications.  I have not been tolerating the new meds well.  The side effects provide intense muscle pain, nausea, dizziness, weight gain and oh so much more.  All of this happened on top of an already broken heart leading from another failed attempt to find a shot at loving companionship.

“You’ve lost your sparkle.” She said with a level of concern I have not generally seen from her normally carefree attitude.

“Did I ever have a sparkle?’

Our conversation was then sidetracked by the interruption of more passing co-workers, which at this job always means some sort of errand will soon follow.  There is no way to stay on target there.  There are only passing moments of crisis that need immediate attention.

-----

This was an exchange that happened a few weeks ago.  Not much has changed since then.  I am still battling feeling sorry for myself, still filled with heartbreak and still feeling empty.  I am someone in desperate need for a vacation and that is what happened this last week.  The LPGA could not have arrived in town for the annual Safeway Classic at a better time.  It is something I look forward to every year and have blathered on and on about it here (via Summerside and Numb, and of course via the LPGA website last year, among others) and to pretty much anyone who is around.  So after a couple of days of trying to complete errands and to try to take it easy and rest, Wednesday rolled around and it was time to head out to Columbia Edgewater Country Club to fulfill my volunteer caddying gig.  

There are two major changes to this year’s edition of the tournament.  The first is that the venue has been moved back to Columbia Edgewater from Pumpkin Ridge for the first time since 2008, where it had been held for many years prior.  The second is that the tournament has been thankfully changed to the more traditional four round format, as opposed to the three round event it has been.  Any chance at more golf with these ladies is a plus in my book.

This would be my first year of going through every round solo.  I’m not sure that this is a good thing, because of my tendency to become too involved and lose myself in the proceedings to the point of madness.  It seems some levity and perspective nearby would be beneficial.  But then again, being solo may be a good thing.  It may be best not to have witnesses around to see me go through the emotional rollercoaster that I inevitably will experience.

 Paige Mackenzie

At any rate, once I arrived at the course on a beautiful sunny and comfortable day, my mind began to let go all of the sadness and dread and started to feel anticipation and excitement.  I was quickly assigned to the amateur partner I would caddy for and we found out that we’d be playing with the incredibly amiable Paige Mackenzie, who is originally from Yakima, Washington (which she jokingly calls the Palm Springs of Washington).  She was glowing and bright and funny and warm and I did watch her golf for a handful of holes during my first year of attending in 2010.  She was memorable, because she’s really pretty and has a unique style.  On that day, she was wearing a cardigan sweater, which I have never seen on a golf course before.  Anyway, she led us around this amazing course, which I wish I could play someday, but fear that its old money private status will lock me out of such an opportunity.  The way this works is that the pro and her caddy play a round of golf and mildly prepare for the tournament ahead and they are joined by four amateur golfers who pay for the opportunity to play with a pro and each of those players is assigned a volunteer to caddy for them.  The money raised for this event is put to different charities in the area.  Luckily, my guy, Cameron, was a good one with a pretty decent game and we worked well together.  I take the caddying job more seriously than most.  I know the game, understand the game and though I am not a good player, I know what to do and I actually think I’m pretty good at it.  It’s a great way to start the week.  Not only does one get the chance to meet one of these amazing women and get to know her in her element, but there’s a chance to see the golf course inside the ropes (the ropes are what keep the fairways and greens separate from the spectators) and learn about the hidden dangers and potential shots the players will face once the real competition begins.  Overall, it was a great time and nothing really crazy happened, aside from standing alone with Cameron’s clubs while I waited for him to buy a beer on the 7^th hole, and having hall of fame golfer and long time television announcer Judy Rankin come up behind me in a golf cart (presumably for research), stop and say “Hi,” before driving on and finding out that my camera now only takes blurry pictures.  Like last year though, I now have a new pro to root for!

 my nice camera

Thursday morning arrived with a surprise (to me at least) rain, thunder and lightning storm.  We have not had any significant rain for months and lightning is rare in these parts, but here it was.  The first tee times of the day were scheduled for 7:15 AM and my girl from last year’s Pro-Am, Jee Young Lee, was set to tee off at 7:48.  My plan was to follow her group and then find Paige Mackenzie’s group around 12:30 PM.  I showed up at the course at 6:45 ready to go and watched some players on the range and practice green lamenting the failure of my camera and my cheapness, which has left me with 2005 cell phone technology  It does have a basic (ically useless) camera, but no email.  I went to the huge porta-potty assortment, that was laid out like Stonehenge, for obvious reasons and while inside heard the intensity of the rain increase and an air horn blast signifying lightning in the area and for everyone to seek shelter.  As I emerged, I sought quick shelter in a covered patio area next to the pro shop.  This area, it turns out is where the players and caddies were designated to go, because before I could react, I was surrounded by about 45 LPGA players and their caddies, all sitting around silently fiddling with their far more advanced cell phones.  It was clear that I did not belong there, but I stayed still and tried not to make any sudden movements.  Security was in the area and I didn’t want to get tossed before anything had started!  A few more weather stops and starts followed, but play eventually began about an hour late. 

 Jee Young Lee

The last time I saw Jee Young Lee in person, about 54 weeks prior, she had gone from a player I had barely heard of to my new favorite golfer and I had this to say about seeing her finish last year:

“When she finished (her round), my companion Christine followed me around behind the grandstands, where I shook hands and offered continued support to Jee Young’s father, where he thanked me profusely again for my support.  What I really wanted was a chance to get a picture of me with her after the round, since I had taken so many of her with other people.  But as we circled around where the players exit the big stage of the 18^th hole and where there are generally autograph seekers and such, I saw Jee Young and her caddy alone with their heads down walking directly to the driving range to practice – with her father trotting over the join them.  It was that moment where I kind of lost it.  I think I confused Christine as I kept walking back and forth and leading us nowhere with lots of golfers and action still to be witnessed.  But it was that moment when I knew that this was it.  The tournament and the writing gig that I had been building up with anticipation for nearly an entire year was ending and I didn’t want it to.  This place is where I belonged!  I wanted to race down that hill and embrace Jee Young and help console her and hopefully find a way to console myself.  In that moment, I didn’t want to go back to my stressful job.  I didn’t want to go see all of my doctors anymore.  I didn’t want to go back to my apartment and be alone.  Being at that tournament and around those players lifted me to another plane where my illnesses and limitations no longer were a part of my life.  My constant daily headaches were barely noticeable, my energy level maintained enough to get me around those damn hills each and every day without fail, and I was filled with feeling and passion and confidence that often drift away from me during regular days.”

It sounds like a lot of hyperbole, but it really isn’t.  This is how intense I felt at the time and all of that returned the moment I saw JYL appear on the practice green and then head over to the first tee.  She has continued to struggle and play well only in spurts for the last year – but never consistently enough to finish at the top.  I wanted so badly to will her to a great weekend of golf.  I won’t bore anyone even more by going into the details of the round, except for a few things.  Jee Young Lee was playing with young American golfer Vicky Hurst and Venezuelan Veronica Felibert.  Vicky Hurst turned out to be interesting, because a retired guy from Southern California named John was there rooting her on, just as I was rooting on JYL.  It turns out that he attends the two or three events in Southern California every year to cheer her on and picks a tournament every year to travel to.  In other words, he is living my dream.  He is free to go see these women play golf when he wants to.  We chatted a lot during the round and found ourselves, as is common, rooting for each others' favorite as well.  We made plans to meet up again Friday afternoon to cheer on our gals.  Veronica Felibert is a really talented player, but she is way too deliberate for my taste.  Her pre-shot routine seemed to take days each time.  The other significant moment happened on the 13^th hole – a short, scenic par 3 over water.  It was terrible for JYL, but comically the moment I’ve been preparing myself for since last year when I noticed that Jee Young’s brother caddy seemed to have a quite an antagonistic relationship that was unhealthy.  This year, she has gone through more than one caddy (a position I would be more than satisfied to fill!!  Maybe that’s why I took the volunteer caddy job so seriously this year!), having left her brother behind.  At the 13^th, the tee had been moved forward – shortening the hole from the practice rounds – and her caddy did not account for this.  In other words, he gave her the wrong yardage.  She hit a towering perfect looking shot that curved in over the water from right to left directly at the flagstick, but unfortunately bounded over the bunker behind the green about 20 yards too far.  She picked up her tee and gave this new caddy a glare that one reserves for their biggest enemy.  I felt a chill run down my spine and a wave of anticipation surge back up.  If any time was my chance to jump right in and get a dream caddy job, this was it!  JYL walked up to her shot way ahead of everyone else and wound up hitting an amazing shot high up over the bunker from the thick rough onto a steep downhill slope and somehow stopped the ball within a few feet of the hole drawing ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from the few of us watching.  She sank the par putt, handed her putter to her sheepish caddy and gave him a little punch to the shoulder.  She flashed a smile and my chance died right there.  When the group went to the next tee, her father (“pops”) came over to me and explained in broken English about the flub up the caddy had made.  I told him that I’m ready whenever they need me and we both laughed, even though I was not kidding around.  Anyway, the round ended with all three players at 1 under par and they would need to do better on Friday to make the cut and get into the running.  As John and I watched our group finish on the 18^th hole, Paige’s group was teeing off right behind us on the first.  No lunch break for me!  I turned around and headed back out onto the course.

Paige Mackenzie’s group included Amanda Blumenherst (who surprisingly had just announced that she was leaving tour tired of being apart from her new husband) and the fantastically silly Tiffany Joh.  Apparently, according to Paige’s mom (I got to know both of her parents out there) since Blumenherst was walking away from the game, the LPGA allowed her to pick her group, so it’s no surprise she picked Paige (they’d become friends on tour), since I get the feeling that everyone gets along with her, and Tiffany, because she simply explodes with fun-loving personality.  In fact, Tiffany Joh has made several funny music videos and posted them on Youtube (as ‘cupofjoh’), claims to be from Whale’s Vagina, CA on her twitter page (@tiffjoh) and has an incredible website that must be seen (tiffjoh.com).  They all played similarly to my morning group and all needed to do better on Friday.

Tiffany Joh
 

Friday morning arrived warm and sunny and my groups had switched tee times.  The morning would start out with the Paige Mackenzie group and finish with the Jee Young Lee group.  I learned a lot more about Paige through her mom as we strolled around the course.  Turns out that Paige has been struggling with a hand injury and back issues (She broke her back in college) and has only grossed around $42,000, which considering the expense of playing, traveling, paying for a caddy, agent, living, and who knows what else, isn’t very much, so she isn’t in a position to take time off to heal, because she needs to earn a living.  How can I not root for her?!  She wound up playing well, shooting a 4 under round and easily making the cut, which landed at 2 under (The ‘cut’ is when the field is cut in half for the weekend.  Those who do not make the cut do not earn money).  Neither Tiffany nor Amanda made the cut, as they both struggled on Friday, but Tiffany still gave me a funny grin as she exited the last hole (the 9^th) and headed toward the locker room.

Paige Mackenzie and Ji Young Oh signed hat

This time I was able to sit down for a few minutes and grab a quick bite to eat and send annoying text messages to a few unfortunate individuals about the proceedings.  They all humored me as I stood by and watched Jee Young Lee practice her putting.  This is the part of her game that seems to elude her.  She is so talented (they are all talented) and has all the tools to be a consistent winner.  During the three rounds I have watched her play; she has hit three of the most remarkable shots I have ever seen by anyone.  These shots that have made tears well up in my eyes and be thankful that I had sunglasses on to hide them.  But she struggles to sink putts consistently, which is the path to victory.

The afternoon round with JYL, Vicky and Veronica was rough from the beginning.  They also started out on the 10^th hole (and would finish on the 9^th) and shaky putting and missed shots were contagious in the group.  Vicky started out strong, but absolutely fell apart down the stretch.  Veronica couldn’t hit the ball anywhere near where she wanted and started to play slower and slower, which led their group to fall behind pace, which brought a warning to speed up.  Failure to do so can cause a 2 stroke penalty, which would make this all the more troubling.  Vicky and Jee Young were clearly flustered and were playing way ahead of Felibert, but it didn’t seem to encourage her to play any faster.  JYL had managed to get herself to 2 under par, but bogeyed the 17^th and 18^th holes and spent the entire second nine fighting back through the slow play and her failing iron play (she started hitting a lot of shots left and into trouble) and she lipped out no less than five putts and also had one miraculously and unbelievably sit over the edge of the hole, but not take gravity’s course and fall in!  Six putts she could’ve easily made.  One of those birdie attempt lip outs happened, and I shit you not, when some muffler-less truck gunned down the side street that runs adjacent to the 7^th hole, blaring Peter Tosh’s “Legalize It,” just as she started her backswing.  She then lipped out a putt for birdie on the par 3 - 8^th after a really solid short iron put her in fairly close, after which she smacked her leg so hard that I was worried she might’ve damaged something.  I fell to my knees (not a good thing in my decrepit condition, because I may not be able to stand again) and buried my face in my hands.  John, my two day cohort, who had already lost hope with Vicky Hurst, but still maintained his composure put his hand on my back and quietly said: “There’s nothing you can do.”  This missed birdie putt meant that Jee Young would have to sink about a 160 yard approach shot for a two on the par 4 and difficult 9^th hole – she was stuck at even par for the tournament.  Any sign of a sparkle that I had gained in the rain the day prior dissipated as I walked alongside the 9^th fairway watching her chances of winning or even earning money for this long trip fall away.  It is so difficult to watch this all unfold in person.  It was so difficult to watch all three of these players fighting so hard to make it, but all for naught.  Unlike most other sports, there is no guaranteed contract.  As Jee Young pitched the ball from just left of the green and tapped in for par, she hugged her caddy and immediately grabbed three golf balls from her bag, signed them and gave them to the Oregon Junior Golf kids surrounding the green.  

Jee Young Lee signed golf ball

I said my parting to my new friend John and dejectedly headed out toward the exit.  I paced around frustrated by that covered area I had found myself in the day before.  I used one of the porta-potties again as precaution and then emerged with Jee Young Lee standing with her caddy talking quietly.  Her dad had not been out there this day, so it was just the two of them.  As was the case last year, I wanted nothing more than to offer sympathy and compassion and to try to do something to help ease the situation, but instead I decided I would just walk by and head out.  As I did so, the caddy, whose job I tried to steal, stopped me and said “Thanks for cheering us on!”  I turned around and offered my condolences.  I got to speak with Jee Young for a few minutes.  I’m not sure how much she understood, since she’s from South Korea and English is not her first language.  I’m not sure if she remembered me taking the wacky picture of her and “snacks” in front of the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile the summer before, as she nodded that she did, but it meant the world to me.  She smiled wide and spectacularly and thanked me and signed the golf ball that she had used for the round and gave it to me and I felt better, but still incredibly helpless and empty.  There’s clearly a huge hole in my heart right now and not even the LPGA can rescue me.

"Snacks," Jee Young Lee and the Wiener Mobile

The remainder the tournament was exciting and fun, as expected, but I had put too much energy into cheering on JYL to fully enjoy the rest.  I cheered on Paige Saturday & Sunday and she did well, finishing overall in a tie for 23^rd at 10 under par.  After she and Ji Young Oh finished up on the 18^th hole, I raced out to watch the penultimate group to catch young Thai golfer Pornanong Phatlum in her 70s cop sunglasses with her caddy brother in matching crazy skirt and short combination (how can I not cheer for her?  I can say this about almost all of these players).  She had a chance to win her first ever LPGA event going in to the day, but the pressure got her and you could see the tension increase in her arms with each putt.  In the end Suzann Pettersen won for the second time in the last three years playing spectacularly again.  There’s always next year for Jee Young Lee and Paige and the rest of my favorites, who I am not always able to watch while out there.  And for them there’s always the next tournament and I will be there in spirit, wishing I could be out there with them.

Pornanong and Pornapong Phatlum

Numb

This year’s LPGA Safeway Classic event has already come and gone. I feel like I’m leaving a summer camp crush, filled with heartbreak, knowing full well that I will never see them again. Of course, I don’t know that feeling, because I never went to summer camp until a boy’s basketball camp during high school and that was about as bad as it sounds and smelled worse. Also, I should be able to see the LPGA come through town again next year, so scratch all of that. Maybe my problem right now is that I don’t know what to feel. The previous two visits have left me foaming at the mouth excited and re-energized despite my manic need to be out on the course watching every moment I can take in for 10 to 12 hours each day that they’re here. That excitement was there this year, though hampered some by a lack of energy which I have blamed on my health. My doctor has not found a physical cause for my fatigue and lack of energy after numerous tests (back story can be found here) and now I’m starting to wonder if her initial thought of depression might actually be the problem. The only thing is that when she asked me that question on a sunny Thursday morning over a month ago now, I didn’t sense the least bit of unhappiness coarsing through me. As this mysterious setback has progressed, my resolve has continued to weaken and some serious sadness has taken a hold of me. But I digress. This year’s LPGA event had an added element, when they asked me to write a fan diary of each day’s events. This was an amazing honor that didn’t seem possible until this past weekend when it all actually happened! I wrote frantically every night after hours and hours of roasting in the sun all day to get the story sent in and sometime the next morning, amazingly the story and pictures I sent in were up there (and can be read here). It was additionally surreal to see the picture I took of “Snacks” (fellow caddy during the Pro-Am last Thursday) and South Korean LPGA player Jee Young Lee standing in front of the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile next to the first tee box at Pumpkin Ridge’s Ghost Creek golf course flash across the top of the LPGA homepage as a featured story. It was hard – much harder than I thought it would be. When I so enthusiastically agreed to write for this event, I thought it would be easy. How many times have I talked people’s ear off about the previous experiences? This was not the case. My crazy stories of experiences are mostly made up of inside jokes mixed with a mild psychosis that doesn’t translate well to anything, but especially a real website where some people actually go for information. So, I found myself reporting. I have often found sports reporters to be a hateful bunch. Who wouldn’t be when charged with writing about the same thing over and over each day? It never felt right, when I hit send each evening. I find that there are no words that I can conjure up that actually represent what I go through out there.

This year’s journey has me questioning what it is that draws me to the event with such drive. I think it’s because I feel like I belong there. I have always had a passion for golf, if not the game. I remember as a little kid, before I had any inclination of golf, being overly curious about golf courses that would pass by the car window as we drove wherever we were going. There have been two times during my adult life where I’ve entered an arena where I felt completely at home: walking into a real professional recording studio and every time I’ve walked onto the golf course to watch the LPGA. These are two places where I feel I truly belong. It makes me wonder about how my decisions have led me astray from these things. How do I consistently find myself doing things that I don’t really want to do all day every day. This is not unique, I know – this is something most of us go through – but at this time it is all so fresh and I am not quite ready to do what we all always find a way to do, and swallow it down and push on through the daily grind until the disappointment fades away. I still don’t know exactly what it is that makes me so crazy. I have mentioned before how welcoming this tournament is. It’s remarkable to me to enter the course and immediately be surrounded by the players that I see on TV most weeks – walking to and fro. They all are always willing to stop and say hello to anyone that approaches, and they always seem genuinely glad to do so – almost as if they are surprised! Much of what I have written about previously has been my efforts to cheer on specific golfers as I trail them over entire rounds of 18 holes. I like to completely immerse myself into what they’re doing. They are not necessarily in the hunt for the tournament and sometimes may be really struggling, but the effort and the emotion that I see and feel sucks me in and I truly do live and die inside with each and every shot. This last Saturday, I followed my new girl Jee Young Lee from the Pro-AM, who I was honored to see play up close, a tour rookie, who I had not previously heard of, Dori Carter and a fading LPGA star Jennifer Rosales. Besides the father of Jee Young and the mom and dad of Dori’s, I was the only one watching these three players in the gallery. As we came down the final fairway of the day, I introduced myself and let them know that I was writing the fan diary for the LPGA website. I asked them if I could take some pictures. When their kids – these young women - had finished and signed their scorecards with the officials, they signed a few autographs and then went to their parents. It was there that they thanked me for following and for the support. They thanked me! It amazed me. Dori and Jee Young both seemed surprised and happy that I had been there, and despite struggling through a really difficult day of golf for both of them and trying to earn a living, they were smiling and obliging as I had them pose for my silly pictures. Unfortunately, I was not able to track down Jennifer Rosales during all the commotion, which is too bad, because I remember rooting her on to a couple of victories several years ago, while watching the LPGA tape delayed on ESPN. At any rate, the parents asked me to email them the pictures I took so they could share them with their family. They were all so warm and kind that I felt like I was at a family summer barbeque.

The final round on Sunday is always difficult for me. It is the last day and I go in knowing that I don’t want it to end. I do not want to say goodbye, but I do want to reach a conclusion. It is the nature of competition. There’s not a lot of satisfaction without an ending, though golf is different. The real competition in golf is between the player and the course, or really the player and themselves. Sometimes just making the cut and actually earning a few thousand dollars in the case of an LPGA tournament is a victory. While sometimes getting that first top 20 or top 10 is a huge victory. The storylines are varied and deep and never simple. Once again, I followed around my new favorite Korean Jee Young Lee on Sunday, along with the ravishing and model tall German Sandra Gal. Jee Young had vaulted herself into contention during the first round with an impressive 5 under round, but played one over par the second day, so she needed to make a big move to be able to earn a victory (she started the day 7 strokes behind the leader). I wanted to will her to that victory. I know it doesn’t work, but I was going to try and root her cool flat orange golf ball into the hole with every possible shot. Overall, she played pretty damn good, but ended the tournament where she was after the first day at five under par, which was good enough for a tie for twelfth place. When she finished, my companion Christine followed me around behind the grandstands, where I shook hands and offered continued support to Jee Young’s father, where he thanked me profusely again for my support. What I really wanted was a chance to get a picture of me with her after the round, since I had taken so many of her with other people. But as we circled around where the players exit the big stage of the 18th hole and where there are generally autograph seekers and such, I saw Jee Young and her caddy alone with their heads down walking directly to the driving range to practice – with her father trotting over the join them. It was that moment where I kind of lost it. I think I confused Christine as I kept walking back and forth and leading us nowhere with lots of golfers and action still to be witnessed. But it was that moment when I knew that this was it. The tournament and the writing gig that I had been building up with anticipation for nearly an entire year was ending and I didn’t want it to. This place is where I belonged! In that moment, I didn’t want to go back to my stressful job. I didn’t want to go see all of my doctors anymore. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment and be alone. I wanted to race down the hill and embrace Jee Young and console her and hopefully console myself in the process.  Being at that tournament and around those players lifted me to another plane where my illnesses and limitations no longer were a part of my life. My constant daily headaches were barely noticeable, my energy level maintained enough to get me around those damn hills each and every day without fail, and I was filled with feeling and passion and confidence that often drift away from me during regular days.

I realize that this sadness will fade away over time, at least until next August, like apparently those old childhood summer camp crushes do, and I will re-immerse myself into the real world. Though, if the LPGA decides that they need someone to fill the position “Ambassador of Awesomeness,” I would definitely like to offer my services.