Heart Under

 

It’s been eons since I’ve written one of these album recommendation things, so please bear with me.  I first came to learn about Just Mustard while reading an interview late last year with a former member of 90s Irish band Whipping Boy (whose second album, Heartworm, recently a received 25^th anniversary repackage reissue and is one of my favorite albums of all-time!).  In the interview, he was tasked with naming current Irish bands that he finds worth noting.  Just Mustard caught my eye as an especially bad name, but it was the only name I remember him listing, so mission accomplished.  By the time I got around to checking them out, they were releasing singles leading up to their second LP, Heart Under, which came out at the end of May, which I’ve been listening to relentlessly ever since!

I have not investigated their earliest material yet, but plan to do so.  I am imagining that this is a musical departure and quite a sophisticated one at that.  The sound of Heart Under is one that lives in the same atmospheric universe as Joy Division’s “I Remember Nothing” crossed with the cinematic scope of Portishead.  It’s very stark and spooky and harsh.  The vocals of Katie Ball are a background haunt behind the very steady, up front beats of Shane Maguire, and the twin guitars of David Noonan and Mete Kalyon that stab and howl out strange rough metallic sounds – resembling old long dormant machines beginning to grind and whir back into motion – and a low end, provided by bassist Rob Clarke that comes in like that same massive machine’s engine Earth shaking the entire scene.

As I’ve grown older, my musical journey has seen my tastes evolve and streamline.  Though, as a young man discovering the extremes in sound, I probably swore I’d never mellow out, I find that I have always been most drawn to music that contains a catchy hook or a captivating melody.  Much like my choosing Low’s HEY WHAT LP as my favorite of 2021, Heart Under may be a contender for 2022!  I may not be done with experimentalism after all!  It’s refreshing to hear bands stretching out and this is my small way of showing appreciation.

Surprisingly, the most traditional song structures are saved for the second half of the album.  I suppose they wanted us to note right away that this is going to be a focused statement and it is!  The lyrics are very fitting for the mood.  They are pretty abstract for the most part, but seem to dabble in dissatisfaction with one’s self.  The repetitive plea from Katie Ball to “change my head” is uncomfortable and identifiable, as is the wonderful “Mirrors,” my favorite track, that covers that feeling many of us encounter as we age of not recognizing what we see looking back at us.  It can also happen to those of us, who don’t particularly like who we are. 

Many smart people have told me that Just Mustard’s sound reminds them of 90s UK band Cranes.    I can hear it, I was often fascinated by their music, but I never particularly liked Alison Shaw’s baby vocals – found them a distraction.  Perhaps I’ve changed, though I can hear similarities with Ball’s vocals, hers remind me more of The Sundays’ Harriet Wheeler.  At any rate, I fear I may be giving off a vibe that this is a difficult album, but it’s not!   It does challenge the listener a bit, but if you buy in, it is a fascinating and rewarding album that continues to please over repeated listens. 

(https://justmustard.bandcamp.com/album/heart-under)

Just Mustard "Still"

The Other Side of the Fence

 

I’ll never forget, years ago, one time, my long-time friend Wil and I were in a café one morning, during a work break.  We were hanging out.  He had ordered a deli sandwich and I was too cheap to do so, so I just sat across the table and fidgeted.  He took a massive bite from the sandwich, and was kind of struggling to take it in.  After he gained control of it, but still had a mouth full, he asked “How do normal people eat these?”  Of course, we both laughed and have added it to our ongoing we are monsters chronicles (hint: he and I are the Monsters).  At any rate, I find myself asking that type of question a lot.  For example, I’ve always wondered how ‘normal’ people consume new music.  I have a seriously unhealthy need for new music.  There are people who take it much much further, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still think about these things.  When I hear a new song, I have to own it.  I do believe in trying to pay for the joy the artist(s) is/are providing me in a small gesture of support.  In addition to owning a copy of the song, I generally have to investigate further.  Is there earlier material?  An album? A hard to find split vinyl single? 

What has it got me?  I have CDs and records in boxes all over my apartment that I have lugged around for several moves, stubbed my toes on multiple times, and at one time, a serious credit card debt!  I want to know what a healthy relationship to music is!  When I was a poor college student living in downtown Seattle in 1992, I remember spending my last $10 on a ticket to see Bob Mould’s band Sugar in place of saving it for the groceries I needed for the next week or so.  Did the same thing a few weeks later when I spotted the unexpected UK CD single for The Sundays’ “Goodbye” in a record shop window.  I was so stoked that they had new music coming out that I couldn’t stop thinking about it until the shop opened the next day.  Luckily, it hasn’t got me jail time, though at the time, a smash and grab seemed a possibility.

I was probably born with some sort of specific addictive thing.  I find myself being especially drawn into things through others’ enthusiasm.  When I was a little kid, my friend Vinton, introduced me to comic books.  He had a serious love of these things, and has continued on as an adult – getting into the industry through his art!  Once he hooked me, I found myself going to the local bookstore (the Book End) every week on comic book delivery day to get my favorite titles.  It wasn’t until Marvel started doing crossover stories like Secret Wars, where one had to buy all the comics to get the full story, that I had to bow out due to the limitations of my allowance and patience.  However, I almost immediately filled the comic collecting void with record collecting once I got my first paying job at 14.

Don’t get me wrong, my love of/obsession for music has been a huge positive for my life.  I have had amazing adventures going to see live music that I likely wouldn’t have experienced otherwise, met lots of great and interesting people, or, in other words, despite the isolating nature of listening to music, my love and need for it has pulled me out of my shell.  Heck, I even have a social media friend from Australia (hi Alex!) who I met through MySpace due to our shared love of the Go-Betweens!  There’s also Chris, a pen pal of 30 years who contacted me initially because she and her husband saw my collection in my old bedroom when they toured my childhood family home when it was put up for sale.  Music has educated me, or led me to learn about things, given me incredible highs, and is tied with almost any memory I can conjure.  Still there’s a part of me that wants to give it up.  If I hear a new song that I like, I kind of wish I could be content to enjoy it when I might happen to encounter it again, or look it up on YouTube or Spotify and make a playlist.  I have been trying to ween myself of the need to be a completist.  Just because I love a new song by so and so, does not mean I have to own every album or every single they ever released!  Perhaps it’s that I have a need/desire to not have stuff.  I like having as few possessions as possible.  Things make me feel trapped, and yet I have all of things heavy boxes of records everywhere!  What the hell?!  When I start feeling especially unhealthy, I tend to start thinning things down as an end of life necessity, once I begin to realize how meaningless my prized Independent Project Records’ Archive Series limited edition 10” records would be for whoever is lucky enough to clean up after me.

I guess it’s who I am.  Just the other day, I was driving in to downtown Portland listening to a random mixed CD made up of new songs that I’ve procured from listening to several stellar shows on streaming station DKFM (decayfm.com) such as Krissy Vanderwoude’s Drowned in a Sea of Sound, Paul Lopez’s The Shoegaze Collective, and especially Amber Crain’s When the Sun Hits.  My mind drifted through several questions, one of which is why did I select these chosen few songs of the many amazing tracks they share?  What is it that draws me in?  Songs take their time cramming their way into my thick skull these days, plus I can honestly say that the vast majority of what I hear is familiar – stuff that reminds me of music already in my possession.  So what is it?  What is the appeal?  I don’t know!  I just know that when I hear certain things, and those things evolve over time, that I get so excited and inspired.  Depending on the mood of the song, my mind electrifies and wants to be creative, wants to analyze, wants to experience genuine emotions.  Perhaps that’s the key.  Music wakes my mind up from the day to day regression it seems to be going through with the daily grind.  I remember a couple of years ago the time Amber Crain played on her show Weathering’s “Changing Colors.”  Yes, I fed off of the super power chords, but it was the vocals, the words, the phrasing and the voice all combined to make me a bit overwhelmed with emotion.  The song yanked out all kinds of stored up feelings that have built up over time – the kind that are difficult to explain or even understand.  This happened again within the last few week’s with the song “Ceiling Lines” by the Real Sea, when Krissy played it on her show.  Yes, I love the music.  The dissonant guitars of the intro lay down a familiar and comfortable pathway for my ears, but Sharon Mok’s voice is all kinds of amazing!  Just hearing that song puts a giant lump in my throat.  I suppose that’s it.  New music makes me feel alive!  I guess the need to search for it comes from the need to feel.  Seems like I’m stuck with it.  Now if only I can give up this senseless need to ramble on endlessly about nothing.

Age of Consent

 

“My last day of work is June 30^th!”   “My last day of work is June 30^th!” 

I keep repeating this to myself.  I have been at my current place of employment for nearly 13 years, so it’s not like this is the end of a major era, but it is long enough that it feels strange to think that I won’t be going in anymore.  I am officially taking a medical leave of absence.  My goal is to get better in every possible way.  Ever since my brain surgery in February of 2021, I have not been right.  I still cannot walk.  I still struggle with control of my left side.  I still have swelling on the back of my neck.  I still have a laundry list of issues with my vision, strength, my transplant, etc.  In addition, I am now taking a medication named Belzutifan to try and shrink my VHL brain tumors, which will be inoperable because it would be too dangerous.  At any rate, the new medication, applied to my already shaky state of being due to my long history of medical issues, has been incredibly difficult.  The drug reduces my hemoglobin to dangerously low levels, which means I have no energy, feel fatigued, and feel like I cannot breathe.  The medication also makes me feel foggy, experience nausea, headaches, and edema.  I am no longer able to be the best employee I can be, no matter how hard I try.

For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to focus on getting well.  I am trying to learn to ask for help.  I have reached a point, where I struggle with day to day living.  I cannot express how difficult this is for me, but I find myself worrying if I can put together a meal, or take out the trash, or get my weekly blood labs drawn, because the parking lot is three football fields away from the hospital entrance.  It’s scary to let go.  It’s scary to admit that I’m not capable to take care of myself anymore.  As a young man, I used to daydream about the idea of living in an assisted living home.  Of having my own pad in a building that serves food and takes care of the cleaning and entertainment.  That was before I realized that the only ones worth a damn are unbelievably expensive and that giving up control of one’s life is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I probably have an unrealistic and super bloated sense of pride and control, because I’ve always taken care of all of my own stuff and have come back from a lot of set-backs.  I didn’t understand why people resist retirement homes and assisted living.  Well now I understand how it feels like being thrown away. 

Please understand, I realize that I am privileged.  I’ve debated about even telling others, because things could be so much worse, and these days, so often are.  I am honestly scared.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, during my brain surgery in 2021, I was completely crazy for a time.  That experience still haunts me.  I was bed-ridden for a month (two of those weeks was ordered to be immobile and lay flat 24/7).  I had no control.  No one would listen to me.  I lost the feeling of trust.  That experience still informs me.  I am especially slow to trust.  I feel isolated.  I have no plan about how to get better, or what to do in the future.  My leave is indefinite, but my work benefits are not.  Yet I am reluctant, embarrassed, and seemingly unable to ask for help, nor do I know what that help would actually be.  If someone offers help, I do not know how to accept it!  What do I ask them to do?  How do I get over my stupid pride and ask? 

When I was crazy while in the hospital, I hallucinated every night that if I drifted off to sleep that the staff would change my room and place me in places I could not get out of.  I’m sure I was a prize patient for the nurses, because I would panic.  I still panic.  I currently struggle to stand from a seated position, but am also unable to stand for long periods of time.  I feel like I am easily stuck or stranded, so I become anxious about things going wrong before anything happens. 

I am very uncertain if I am making the right decision here, but I can honestly say that working every day has been nearly impossible physically (along with the mental struggle most of us worker ants can experience).  I worry that my health decline will continue and then I could be stuck without income, and health insurance.  I suppose it is my new adventure.  Sorry for taking up your time.

Memories Fade

 

In the Spring of 1985, I was in the 8^th grade.  I have a vivid memory of getting dressed up for my class’ 8^th grade graduation ceremony.  I put on my best dress pants, wore the only non-basketball shoes I had, I put on my prized new sport coat, which was black and filled with colorful speckles, which buttoned over by my left arm at the waist – like a jacket from the 80s should.  I was in my bedroom listening to the Portland Top 40 station Z100 as I did much of the time in those days.  They were playing Tears for Fears’ “Shout,” which I was pretty enamored with.  This coincided with the time, like many people, that I was developing my own real tastes in music and was soon to have income.  Later that summer, I obtained my first real job and began buying records.  It was mostly top 40 stuff – dance remixes and albums.  Of course, I purchased TFF’s second LP Songs from the Big Chair and all of its related singles.  Even though that album was a massive hit and a huge part of the mainstream’s consciousness, it still managed to feel a little different than everything else around it.  I mean it was a hit record that was inspired by the disturbing movie Sybil, about a woman suffering from a psychological breakdown (during my senior year of high school, one of our teachers showed us that movie starring Sally Field in class.  I still marvel at how I think it took two weeks of class time to muddle through.)!  Tears for Fears was my major gateway band. 

Around this time, I noticed that most of the songs I heard and liked on Top 40 radio were the ones that would disappear from playlists quickly or barely crack the Top 40 and I was fascinated by b-sides.  I especially loved the experimental and strange b-sides on the back of TFF’s hit singles.  This is when I became obsessed and began buying all the music I could.  I purchased TFF’s debut album The Hurting, and all of its related singles.  I began having crazy dreams about finding non-existent limited-edition vinyl singles at the local grocery store with exclusive b-sides.  When I look back on it, I realize that this was very unhealthy.  The Hurting was a giant album for me.  It is so isolating and it was strangely identifiable for me (I was generally a happy go lucky kid).  I loved and still love its unbelievably aggressive darkness.  It is so sad.  So tragic.  It can be difficult to listen to.  It’s a cry for help, not a pop album!  But wow, did I lose myself in it.  Next up, I learned about the usual suspects from the time: Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Smiths, Joy Division/New Order, etc. and it went from there in a hurry.  By the time I was graduating high school, I had gone through a goth phase, a punk phase (first UK, then different regions of the US), an industrial phase, a NO WAVE phase.  When I was dressing for graduation, I was likely listening to “God Damn the Sun” by Swans or a My Bloody Valentine or a The House of Love EP from Creation Records.  Like many people, I feel a great nostalgia for the music of those formative years, but I’m mostly nostalgic for the sense of discovery and wonder this journey provided me.  I still love the thrill of learning about new music and artists, but it will never come as fast and as extensively as then.

This is on my mind, because I recently ran across a live set of Tears for Fears from the German TV show Rockpalast recorded in 1983 that was a revelation.  Not only is it a high-quality documentation, but it is an excellent performance.  I never really considered this music “live”-ready.  The performance loosens up the extreme stiffness of the LP, but remains tight and measured.  It hit me with a lot of emotions, including nostalgia, and reminded me how horribly claustrophobic and depressing those early songs are.  It also sends me down black holes of thought.  Like how when I listen to younger and current artists like COLD BEAT or CASTLEBEAT, or many others that tap into an 80s sound, no one has made it like TFF did then – not even them!   I thank them for sending me on this continuing musical journey!

Tears for Fears "Memories Fade"

Top 10 Albums of 2021

 

Normally, I say a bunch of stuff about what think of the past year in music.  This one was good.  It was single heavy for me.  This list is not about the best ten albums, just what I listened to most.  I’ve spent most of my life, putting music as my go to for enjoyment and solace and comfort, but it isn’t working as well for me anymore.  I haven’t figured out anything else that contains its healing and inspirational powers.  There is always good music.  Seek it out and let me know what you enjoyed this year.

1.      1. Low HEY WHAT

 

Low have stayed relevant and a personal favorite since I first learned of them in 1994.  This new album in not very song oriented, and at times can be jarring or sleepy, but to me it is full of imagination and incredible depth.  The first couple of tracks remind me of being stuck in an MRI machine.  I have always thought about the repetitive clanks and rapid fire noises as musical.  And here it is.  An ode to the MRI.  The entire album though, has caused me to imagine it as a musical slash early 70s style antiseptic white room based sci-fi movie, where we realize that the things we’re supposed to worry about in the future, are here now.  Wonderful.  Masterful.

(https://lowtheband.bandcamp.com/album/hey-what)

1.    2.  Blankenberge Everything

 

Epic, dramatic, precise, powerful, awe-inspiring.  How many superlatives can I use?  His band from Saint Petersburg, Russia exceeds them all.  This album will be a favorite for the rest of my life.  There is no question.  Especially when played loud.

(https://blankenberge.bandcamp.com/album/everything)

 

2.     3.  Flyying Colours Fantasy Country

 

Australia’s Flyying Colours took some time, but finally released their best album yet early in 2021.  It includes two singles at the beginning that were released quite some time ago, the kinda groovy 70-ish “Goodtimes” and the roaring anthem “Big Mess.”  The rest of the album seems inspired by their own wonderful sound and a less isolating Movement era New Order precision. 

(https://flyyingcolours.bandcamp.com/album/fantasy-country)

 

3.     4.  Tambourina Tambourine Dream

 

Tambourina is born out of previous bands like Glowfriends and Overly Polite Tornadoes.  Continuing their lineage of dynamic indie rock.  Their thoughtful and insightful songs are catchy as hell and I love the vocal interplay.  Fantastic debut from these veterans.

(https://tambourina.bandcamp.com/)

 

4.      5. Old Moon Altars  and  Dreamer, Sleeper

 

New Hampshire’s Old Moon is already very prolific.  They keep releasing a rustic sounding version of early post-punk darkness and it is enthralling.  Both albums from this past year are amazing.

(https://oldmoon.bandcamp.com/music)

 

5.     6.  Ducks Ltd. Modern Fiction

 

This Toronto twosome create a spiky UK sound reminiscent of the stuff from the late 80s Sire Records roster.  I loved a lot of those bands, and welcome a modern band full of wit and addictive tunes.

(https://ducksltdband.bandcamp.com/album/modern-fiction)

 

6.      7. Deafheaven Infinite Granite

 

I don’t know much about Deafheaven.  From what I gather, their history has landed them in a metal / screamo category of rock.  I don’t really care for the thousands of sub categories that we create to label groups.  But whatever the case, this album is a softer edged sound with stretched out songs and spectacular musicianship.  The songs are heartfelt and enjoyable and every so often a mentalism or scream comes to the fore.  Epic.

(https://deafheavens.bandcamp.com/)

 

7.      8. Fotoform Horizons

 

Seattle’s Fotoform’s second album is a tight little pot-punk / goth nugget.  That early Cure bass line throughout is absolutely magical, but also a bit repetitive.  Whatever the case, it’s a sound that I am addicted to.  These emotional songs are quite the elixir. 

(https://fotoform.bandcamp.com/album/horizons)

 

8.     9.  Fawns of Love Innocence of Protection

 

This is the second album in a row that Fawns of Love have delved into the dance pop programming of mid 80s New Order only with dreamy angelic vocals.  I am a sucker for this.  Another enjoyale collection.

(https://fawnsoflove.bandcamp.com/album/innocence-of-protection)

 

9.      10. The High Violets B-Sides & Rarities

 

Portland legends.  I’ve loved their music for years, and seen them perform live many times, but always felt their recorded output never reflected the quality of their live sets.  This collection collects rarities, but it is also now their best album.  These songs are among their best.

(https://thehighviolets.bandcamp.com/)

 

 

 

Disappearing

• 
  
   

• A few days ago, I met a new doctor.  On August 13th of this year, the FDA approved a new drug that has had success shrinking tumors and cysts that are generated by the genetic syndrome I was born with, Von Hippel Lindau. (VHL).  Von Hippel-Lindau (VHL) is a genetic condition involving the abnormal growth of blood vessels in up to 10 parts of the body.  I inquired of my nephrologist (kidney doctor) about the drug, and she has recruited all of my specialists to research this new medication.  They all met with an oncologist, as apparently, this drug is classified as a chemotherapy drug.  Since the medication in brand new, it will need to be approved by my hospital’s pharmacy to bring it in.  I would be first patient to use it in their system.  It is very expensive.  That is the last hurdle I need to cross, before I will be able to start taking the drug.  The team decided that it is worth me trying, if it can shrink tumors.  I currently have 5 new tumors growing, which is alarming since I had several removed in a surgery earlier this year, in February.  I still have not fully recovered from that surgery.  This new doctor I met with told me that a big reason that they think I should try this new medication is the danger of having another head surgery.  According to my neurosurgeon, I almost died during the surgery on February 3^rd.  This was news to me.

  It was alarming.  I knew it was a tough surgery, but I had no idea that it was that difficult.  It put some things into new light.  My hospital stay dragged on for a full month.  It seemed much longer.  During my stay, I experienced hallucinations, severe paranoia, and intense fear.  In other words, I was crazy.  However, much of that time, I now realize was during the first few days after my surgery.  Like all of my previous surgeries over the last 35+ years, I always remember coming to in recovery.  This one, I do not.  Instead I remember a long convoluted conspiracy to destroy my life by an underground terrorist group that had tried to recruit me, but turned against me when their psychotic leader rejected me.  I was desperately scared, because I was helpless in all aspects.  Because of Covid-19 protocols, I was alone.  There were no visitors.  Eventually, my family was able to see me on a limited basis, but at the time, I was waging an epic battle for survival in my head against this underground force, and apparently, in reality.  There were several points, where I was in a position to decide to stay and fight, or completely give up.  I remember giving up in these visions, and feeling peaceful and calm, but still with an underlying fear.  I began to consistently surrender in these battles in my head, until eventually, I began to come back to reality.  I never fully came back, until about the last week during my stay.

  Except that I really haven’t.  Those hallucinations are now imbedded in my mind as solid and very real memories.  I find myself often filled with fear and a disturbing feeling that I can’t trust people and that there are at times conspiracies working against me.  I have to fight off these feelings.  I mean, why would there be a conspiracy against me?  Why would anyone bother?  Now that would be crazy.  I have not yet processed this near death news, nor do I believe that there’s really anything to process.  I cannot change what happened, but I am now wondering if I was giving up, but somehow survived anyway.  I have been filled with dread ever since.  Perhaps I’m living a life, I no longer want to live.

  
  

There's A Place

 

There’s rarely a time, I am not thinking about the mix tape I made for someone in 1993.  For some reason I tie a lot of importance in those tracks.  Maybe because it’s the last time I felt truly alive on a daily basis.  I may have been despondent, lonely, depressed, and uncertain, but I was still filled with desire and energy, and strangely, hope.  In June of 2020, this lost mix weighed heavily on my mind and I wrote about what may have been on that mix with a piece named “It Isn’t Forever” (seen here). 

 Well, not that anyone cares, but I recently remembered another song that had to have been that mix.  Released early in 1993, was an EP by the UK band Moose named “Liquid Make Up.  The second song on the EP is named “There’s Place” and I used to listen to it on repeat endlessly.  It was by far my favorite song on this new collection, which was strikingly different from their previous first four EPs, which were favorites amongst the multiple EPs that were coming out of the amazing UK indie scene in those days.  Suddenly, the noisy, loose, and jagged sounds were now breezy light pop, sometimes including whistling (the shift was hard to adjust to on the debut LP …XYZ).   It was a shock the system, but “There’s A Place” bridged that gap beautifully with its breezy guitar strum, wandering bass, and a smooth shuffling beat.  It’s a song that evoked its title in sound.  It could transport me to another “place.”  It was a dream that I could not get enough of, and it made the new direction Moose had turned more palatable.  It was also perfect for this particular mix, because it fit musically, but also its sense of re-generation (“when day is done / I’ll take my body home”) and acceptance is powerful and meaningful.  Now that I’m older, it feels like more of a sad song, and though I still wish there is a “place,” a place of peace that I was so desperately searching for while recovering from brain surgery early this year, but I haven’t even felt at “home” in decades.  “When all is gone / I’ll take my body home” takes on an almost cynical tone to me now.  It’s still a masterpiece.  I can still listen to it on repeat without ever tiring of it.

Moose "There's A PLace"