Vanishing Point

 

This past Spring, my niece Ashley caught a really nice day and she treated me to a wine tasting.  We were just north of Yamhill and she decided to drive, which was a good idea, because I was a bit tipsy.  As we turned onto highway 47 to head back toward town, I noticed a small sign that was knocked over and barely visible amongst the roadside weeds.  I only caught it out of the corner of my eye and read it as “Chris Man Can.”  I thought it was strange, and it gave me the same kind of strange chill I got when I passed the “Don’t Give Up” motivational sign in Yamhill County a couple of years earlier (read about it here), when I was driving back country roads and falling apart at the seams. 

This stuck with me.  Unlike the “Don’t Give Up” sign, this one was oddly specific.  I later went back to that stretch of road and it turns out that the sign really read: “Chris Mann Can” and had been replaced by a new sign saying the same words, but also included a picture of this Chris Mann and wanting us to vote him in for Congress.  Cue the Replacements fantastic song “Valentine:” “well you wish upon a star / that turns into a plane.”  In other words, it was a disappointment.  I was planning on taking a picture, before realizing that it was not some sort of message to me and all the other Chris Men, but a Republican campaign sign. 

 

The Replacements "Valentine"

I’m not sure how I would’ve processed the message that I originally thought the sign was giving, other than bewilderment.  What I do know is that this Chris Man Can’t.

Recently, I visited the Oregon coast.  While I grew up there, there were two FM stations nearby and they both played a strange combination of adult contemporary and classic rock.  There are several stations now.  This trip, I chose to listen to 100.7 The Otter.  It was basically the same format as the others.  Heavy rotation was Ready for the World’s “Oh Sheila” and Bad Company’s “Feel like Making Love.”  I don’t think I had heard “Oh Sheila” since the 80s, but had heard it twice within the first hour of my visit.  Sadly, I hear “Feel Like Making Love” far too often.  For some reason, as I drove along the ocean highway, I tried to figure out the meaning of these things.  What brought about this combination?  Sheer evil genius.  Clearly, I am not ready for the world.  This Chris Man Can’t. 

Ready for the World "Oh Sheila"

This trip was a bold move for me.  Ever since I started the anti-tumor medication Belzutifan early this year, I have somehow experienced every side effect listed on the paperwork.  I hit the jackpot!  It has been a struggle – one I didn’t expect.  During my life, for the most part, I have handled medication, drugs, alcohol, etc. pretty well.  I think it’s because I am a big guy with a massive need for control.  However, in this case, I have been devastated.  My hemoglobin drops really low, so I have no energy, I lose my breath with almost any movement, and my heart races and hurts if I am not laying down.  So, I have no life, aside from rerun broadcast TV stations like MeTV, and my music collection (I try to read, but my eyes haven’t been right since my last surgery).  The trip was made to avoid the heat and to try to cure serious cabin fever.  I’ve been told by a few neurosurgeons that they will not perform another brain surgery on me, because it would be too dangerous – too high of a chance for serious hemorrhage.  I currently have five small brain tumors.  The nature of these is that they continue to grow until they cut off parts of the brain around them.  The medication has slightly shrunk these tumors over the past seven months.  However, my quality of life is not quality.  Am I making the right decision continuing the medication?  What would you do?  I’m already seriously limited physically from past surgeries and strokes.  This Chris Man Can’t figure out what’s best.

Honestly, I could go on and on about what I can’t do or take.  Ever since the pandemic hit, it seems like everyone is on edge, and I am no different.  I’ve been struggling with evolving friendships as my health and mobility has declined.  I struggle with the divisive politics and how anything and everything is now political.  I’m not sure there ever was any, but I would love to see and hear nuanced and reasoned debate when disagreement arises.  It feels like we’ve all become too isolated, where anything that interrupts our flow in any manner becomes our enemy.  I can see it in myself.  About a year ago, I went to the grocery store to buy a few things.  As usual, I chose the check out lane with the shortest line, but still had to wait forever.  For some reason, the checker liked to touch and examine everyone’s items.  He did the same with my items.  I handed over a .30 cent coupon for something and it didn’t work.  I think I had chosen a different sized package for a product than the coupon required.  Instead of just saying so, he began digging through my bags.  I lost it.  I suddenly started cussing him out before storming out.  It was not my finest moment and I felt terrible.  It was so unlike me.

I write these types of things to help organize my thoughts and to help ease my stress.  I post them in a vain effort to connect with others.  I hope that someone out there might relate and that it might somehow help in some small way.  Somehow though, Chris Man Can’t anymore.  None of this is enough.   

 

Age of Consent

 

“My last day of work is June 30^th!”   “My last day of work is June 30^th!” 

I keep repeating this to myself.  I have been at my current place of employment for nearly 13 years, so it’s not like this is the end of a major era, but it is long enough that it feels strange to think that I won’t be going in anymore.  I am officially taking a medical leave of absence.  My goal is to get better in every possible way.  Ever since my brain surgery in February of 2021, I have not been right.  I still cannot walk.  I still struggle with control of my left side.  I still have swelling on the back of my neck.  I still have a laundry list of issues with my vision, strength, my transplant, etc.  In addition, I am now taking a medication named Belzutifan to try and shrink my VHL brain tumors, which will be inoperable because it would be too dangerous.  At any rate, the new medication, applied to my already shaky state of being due to my long history of medical issues, has been incredibly difficult.  The drug reduces my hemoglobin to dangerously low levels, which means I have no energy, feel fatigued, and feel like I cannot breathe.  The medication also makes me feel foggy, experience nausea, headaches, and edema.  I am no longer able to be the best employee I can be, no matter how hard I try.

For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to focus on getting well.  I am trying to learn to ask for help.  I have reached a point, where I struggle with day to day living.  I cannot express how difficult this is for me, but I find myself worrying if I can put together a meal, or take out the trash, or get my weekly blood labs drawn, because the parking lot is three football fields away from the hospital entrance.  It’s scary to let go.  It’s scary to admit that I’m not capable to take care of myself anymore.  As a young man, I used to daydream about the idea of living in an assisted living home.  Of having my own pad in a building that serves food and takes care of the cleaning and entertainment.  That was before I realized that the only ones worth a damn are unbelievably expensive and that giving up control of one’s life is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I probably have an unrealistic and super bloated sense of pride and control, because I’ve always taken care of all of my own stuff and have come back from a lot of set-backs.  I didn’t understand why people resist retirement homes and assisted living.  Well now I understand how it feels like being thrown away. 

Please understand, I realize that I am privileged.  I’ve debated about even telling others, because things could be so much worse, and these days, so often are.  I am honestly scared.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, during my brain surgery in 2021, I was completely crazy for a time.  That experience still haunts me.  I was bed-ridden for a month (two of those weeks was ordered to be immobile and lay flat 24/7).  I had no control.  No one would listen to me.  I lost the feeling of trust.  That experience still informs me.  I am especially slow to trust.  I feel isolated.  I have no plan about how to get better, or what to do in the future.  My leave is indefinite, but my work benefits are not.  Yet I am reluctant, embarrassed, and seemingly unable to ask for help, nor do I know what that help would actually be.  If someone offers help, I do not know how to accept it!  What do I ask them to do?  How do I get over my stupid pride and ask? 

When I was crazy while in the hospital, I hallucinated every night that if I drifted off to sleep that the staff would change my room and place me in places I could not get out of.  I’m sure I was a prize patient for the nurses, because I would panic.  I still panic.  I currently struggle to stand from a seated position, but am also unable to stand for long periods of time.  I feel like I am easily stuck or stranded, so I become anxious about things going wrong before anything happens. 

I am very uncertain if I am making the right decision here, but I can honestly say that working every day has been nearly impossible physically (along with the mental struggle most of us worker ants can experience).  I worry that my health decline will continue and then I could be stuck without income, and health insurance.  I suppose it is my new adventure.  Sorry for taking up your time.