Age of Consent

 

“My last day of work is June 30^th!”   “My last day of work is June 30^th!” 

I keep repeating this to myself.  I have been at my current place of employment for nearly 13 years, so it’s not like this is the end of a major era, but it is long enough that it feels strange to think that I won’t be going in anymore.  I am officially taking a medical leave of absence.  My goal is to get better in every possible way.  Ever since my brain surgery in February of 2021, I have not been right.  I still cannot walk.  I still struggle with control of my left side.  I still have swelling on the back of my neck.  I still have a laundry list of issues with my vision, strength, my transplant, etc.  In addition, I am now taking a medication named Belzutifan to try and shrink my VHL brain tumors, which will be inoperable because it would be too dangerous.  At any rate, the new medication, applied to my already shaky state of being due to my long history of medical issues, has been incredibly difficult.  The drug reduces my hemoglobin to dangerously low levels, which means I have no energy, feel fatigued, and feel like I cannot breathe.  The medication also makes me feel foggy, experience nausea, headaches, and edema.  I am no longer able to be the best employee I can be, no matter how hard I try.

For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to focus on getting well.  I am trying to learn to ask for help.  I have reached a point, where I struggle with day to day living.  I cannot express how difficult this is for me, but I find myself worrying if I can put together a meal, or take out the trash, or get my weekly blood labs drawn, because the parking lot is three football fields away from the hospital entrance.  It’s scary to let go.  It’s scary to admit that I’m not capable to take care of myself anymore.  As a young man, I used to daydream about the idea of living in an assisted living home.  Of having my own pad in a building that serves food and takes care of the cleaning and entertainment.  That was before I realized that the only ones worth a damn are unbelievably expensive and that giving up control of one’s life is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I probably have an unrealistic and super bloated sense of pride and control, because I’ve always taken care of all of my own stuff and have come back from a lot of set-backs.  I didn’t understand why people resist retirement homes and assisted living.  Well now I understand how it feels like being thrown away. 

Please understand, I realize that I am privileged.  I’ve debated about even telling others, because things could be so much worse, and these days, so often are.  I am honestly scared.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, during my brain surgery in 2021, I was completely crazy for a time.  That experience still haunts me.  I was bed-ridden for a month (two of those weeks was ordered to be immobile and lay flat 24/7).  I had no control.  No one would listen to me.  I lost the feeling of trust.  That experience still informs me.  I am especially slow to trust.  I feel isolated.  I have no plan about how to get better, or what to do in the future.  My leave is indefinite, but my work benefits are not.  Yet I am reluctant, embarrassed, and seemingly unable to ask for help, nor do I know what that help would actually be.  If someone offers help, I do not know how to accept it!  What do I ask them to do?  How do I get over my stupid pride and ask? 

When I was crazy while in the hospital, I hallucinated every night that if I drifted off to sleep that the staff would change my room and place me in places I could not get out of.  I’m sure I was a prize patient for the nurses, because I would panic.  I still panic.  I currently struggle to stand from a seated position, but am also unable to stand for long periods of time.  I feel like I am easily stuck or stranded, so I become anxious about things going wrong before anything happens. 

I am very uncertain if I am making the right decision here, but I can honestly say that working every day has been nearly impossible physically (along with the mental struggle most of us worker ants can experience).  I worry that my health decline will continue and then I could be stuck without income, and health insurance.  I suppose it is my new adventure.  Sorry for taking up your time.

Memories Fade

 

In the Spring of 1985, I was in the 8^th grade.  I have a vivid memory of getting dressed up for my class’ 8^th grade graduation ceremony.  I put on my best dress pants, wore the only non-basketball shoes I had, I put on my prized new sport coat, which was black and filled with colorful speckles, which buttoned over by my left arm at the waist – like a jacket from the 80s should.  I was in my bedroom listening to the Portland Top 40 station Z100 as I did much of the time in those days.  They were playing Tears for Fears’ “Shout,” which I was pretty enamored with.  This coincided with the time, like many people, that I was developing my own real tastes in music and was soon to have income.  Later that summer, I obtained my first real job and began buying records.  It was mostly top 40 stuff – dance remixes and albums.  Of course, I purchased TFF’s second LP Songs from the Big Chair and all of its related singles.  Even though that album was a massive hit and a huge part of the mainstream’s consciousness, it still managed to feel a little different than everything else around it.  I mean it was a hit record that was inspired by the disturbing movie Sybil, about a woman suffering from a psychological breakdown (during my senior year of high school, one of our teachers showed us that movie starring Sally Field in class.  I still marvel at how I think it took two weeks of class time to muddle through.)!  Tears for Fears was my major gateway band. 

Around this time, I noticed that most of the songs I heard and liked on Top 40 radio were the ones that would disappear from playlists quickly or barely crack the Top 40 and I was fascinated by b-sides.  I especially loved the experimental and strange b-sides on the back of TFF’s hit singles.  This is when I became obsessed and began buying all the music I could.  I purchased TFF’s debut album The Hurting, and all of its related singles.  I began having crazy dreams about finding non-existent limited-edition vinyl singles at the local grocery store with exclusive b-sides.  When I look back on it, I realize that this was very unhealthy.  The Hurting was a giant album for me.  It is so isolating and it was strangely identifiable for me (I was generally a happy go lucky kid).  I loved and still love its unbelievably aggressive darkness.  It is so sad.  So tragic.  It can be difficult to listen to.  It’s a cry for help, not a pop album!  But wow, did I lose myself in it.  Next up, I learned about the usual suspects from the time: Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Smiths, Joy Division/New Order, etc. and it went from there in a hurry.  By the time I was graduating high school, I had gone through a goth phase, a punk phase (first UK, then different regions of the US), an industrial phase, a NO WAVE phase.  When I was dressing for graduation, I was likely listening to “God Damn the Sun” by Swans or a My Bloody Valentine or a The House of Love EP from Creation Records.  Like many people, I feel a great nostalgia for the music of those formative years, but I’m mostly nostalgic for the sense of discovery and wonder this journey provided me.  I still love the thrill of learning about new music and artists, but it will never come as fast and as extensively as then.

This is on my mind, because I recently ran across a live set of Tears for Fears from the German TV show Rockpalast recorded in 1983 that was a revelation.  Not only is it a high-quality documentation, but it is an excellent performance.  I never really considered this music “live”-ready.  The performance loosens up the extreme stiffness of the LP, but remains tight and measured.  It hit me with a lot of emotions, including nostalgia, and reminded me how horribly claustrophobic and depressing those early songs are.  It also sends me down black holes of thought.  Like how when I listen to younger and current artists like COLD BEAT or CASTLEBEAT, or many others that tap into an 80s sound, no one has made it like TFF did then – not even them!   I thank them for sending me on this continuing musical journey!

Tears for Fears "Memories Fade"

Top 10 Albums of 2021

 

Normally, I say a bunch of stuff about what think of the past year in music.  This one was good.  It was single heavy for me.  This list is not about the best ten albums, just what I listened to most.  I’ve spent most of my life, putting music as my go to for enjoyment and solace and comfort, but it isn’t working as well for me anymore.  I haven’t figured out anything else that contains its healing and inspirational powers.  There is always good music.  Seek it out and let me know what you enjoyed this year.

1.      1. Low HEY WHAT

 

Low have stayed relevant and a personal favorite since I first learned of them in 1994.  This new album in not very song oriented, and at times can be jarring or sleepy, but to me it is full of imagination and incredible depth.  The first couple of tracks remind me of being stuck in an MRI machine.  I have always thought about the repetitive clanks and rapid fire noises as musical.  And here it is.  An ode to the MRI.  The entire album though, has caused me to imagine it as a musical slash early 70s style antiseptic white room based sci-fi movie, where we realize that the things we’re supposed to worry about in the future, are here now.  Wonderful.  Masterful.

(https://lowtheband.bandcamp.com/album/hey-what)

1.    2.  Blankenberge Everything

 

Epic, dramatic, precise, powerful, awe-inspiring.  How many superlatives can I use?  His band from Saint Petersburg, Russia exceeds them all.  This album will be a favorite for the rest of my life.  There is no question.  Especially when played loud.

(https://blankenberge.bandcamp.com/album/everything)

 

2.     3.  Flyying Colours Fantasy Country

 

Australia’s Flyying Colours took some time, but finally released their best album yet early in 2021.  It includes two singles at the beginning that were released quite some time ago, the kinda groovy 70-ish “Goodtimes” and the roaring anthem “Big Mess.”  The rest of the album seems inspired by their own wonderful sound and a less isolating Movement era New Order precision. 

(https://flyyingcolours.bandcamp.com/album/fantasy-country)

 

3.     4.  Tambourina Tambourine Dream

 

Tambourina is born out of previous bands like Glowfriends and Overly Polite Tornadoes.  Continuing their lineage of dynamic indie rock.  Their thoughtful and insightful songs are catchy as hell and I love the vocal interplay.  Fantastic debut from these veterans.

(https://tambourina.bandcamp.com/)

 

4.      5. Old Moon Altars  and  Dreamer, Sleeper

 

New Hampshire’s Old Moon is already very prolific.  They keep releasing a rustic sounding version of early post-punk darkness and it is enthralling.  Both albums from this past year are amazing.

(https://oldmoon.bandcamp.com/music)

 

5.     6.  Ducks Ltd. Modern Fiction

 

This Toronto twosome create a spiky UK sound reminiscent of the stuff from the late 80s Sire Records roster.  I loved a lot of those bands, and welcome a modern band full of wit and addictive tunes.

(https://ducksltdband.bandcamp.com/album/modern-fiction)

 

6.      7. Deafheaven Infinite Granite

 

I don’t know much about Deafheaven.  From what I gather, their history has landed them in a metal / screamo category of rock.  I don’t really care for the thousands of sub categories that we create to label groups.  But whatever the case, this album is a softer edged sound with stretched out songs and spectacular musicianship.  The songs are heartfelt and enjoyable and every so often a mentalism or scream comes to the fore.  Epic.

(https://deafheavens.bandcamp.com/)

 

7.      8. Fotoform Horizons

 

Seattle’s Fotoform’s second album is a tight little pot-punk / goth nugget.  That early Cure bass line throughout is absolutely magical, but also a bit repetitive.  Whatever the case, it’s a sound that I am addicted to.  These emotional songs are quite the elixir. 

(https://fotoform.bandcamp.com/album/horizons)

 

8.     9.  Fawns of Love Innocence of Protection

 

This is the second album in a row that Fawns of Love have delved into the dance pop programming of mid 80s New Order only with dreamy angelic vocals.  I am a sucker for this.  Another enjoyale collection.

(https://fawnsoflove.bandcamp.com/album/innocence-of-protection)

 

9.      10. The High Violets B-Sides & Rarities

 

Portland legends.  I’ve loved their music for years, and seen them perform live many times, but always felt their recorded output never reflected the quality of their live sets.  This collection collects rarities, but it is also now their best album.  These songs are among their best.

(https://thehighviolets.bandcamp.com/)

 

 

 

Disappearing

• 
  
   

• A few days ago, I met a new doctor.  On August 13th of this year, the FDA approved a new drug that has had success shrinking tumors and cysts that are generated by the genetic syndrome I was born with, Von Hippel Lindau. (VHL).  Von Hippel-Lindau (VHL) is a genetic condition involving the abnormal growth of blood vessels in up to 10 parts of the body.  I inquired of my nephrologist (kidney doctor) about the drug, and she has recruited all of my specialists to research this new medication.  They all met with an oncologist, as apparently, this drug is classified as a chemotherapy drug.  Since the medication in brand new, it will need to be approved by my hospital’s pharmacy to bring it in.  I would be first patient to use it in their system.  It is very expensive.  That is the last hurdle I need to cross, before I will be able to start taking the drug.  The team decided that it is worth me trying, if it can shrink tumors.  I currently have 5 new tumors growing, which is alarming since I had several removed in a surgery earlier this year, in February.  I still have not fully recovered from that surgery.  This new doctor I met with told me that a big reason that they think I should try this new medication is the danger of having another head surgery.  According to my neurosurgeon, I almost died during the surgery on February 3^rd.  This was news to me.

  It was alarming.  I knew it was a tough surgery, but I had no idea that it was that difficult.  It put some things into new light.  My hospital stay dragged on for a full month.  It seemed much longer.  During my stay, I experienced hallucinations, severe paranoia, and intense fear.  In other words, I was crazy.  However, much of that time, I now realize was during the first few days after my surgery.  Like all of my previous surgeries over the last 35+ years, I always remember coming to in recovery.  This one, I do not.  Instead I remember a long convoluted conspiracy to destroy my life by an underground terrorist group that had tried to recruit me, but turned against me when their psychotic leader rejected me.  I was desperately scared, because I was helpless in all aspects.  Because of Covid-19 protocols, I was alone.  There were no visitors.  Eventually, my family was able to see me on a limited basis, but at the time, I was waging an epic battle for survival in my head against this underground force, and apparently, in reality.  There were several points, where I was in a position to decide to stay and fight, or completely give up.  I remember giving up in these visions, and feeling peaceful and calm, but still with an underlying fear.  I began to consistently surrender in these battles in my head, until eventually, I began to come back to reality.  I never fully came back, until about the last week during my stay.

  Except that I really haven’t.  Those hallucinations are now imbedded in my mind as solid and very real memories.  I find myself often filled with fear and a disturbing feeling that I can’t trust people and that there are at times conspiracies working against me.  I have to fight off these feelings.  I mean, why would there be a conspiracy against me?  Why would anyone bother?  Now that would be crazy.  I have not yet processed this near death news, nor do I believe that there’s really anything to process.  I cannot change what happened, but I am now wondering if I was giving up, but somehow survived anyway.  I have been filled with dread ever since.  Perhaps I’m living a life, I no longer want to live.

  
  

There's A Place

 

There’s rarely a time, I am not thinking about the mix tape I made for someone in 1993.  For some reason I tie a lot of importance in those tracks.  Maybe because it’s the last time I felt truly alive on a daily basis.  I may have been despondent, lonely, depressed, and uncertain, but I was still filled with desire and energy, and strangely, hope.  In June of 2020, this lost mix weighed heavily on my mind and I wrote about what may have been on that mix with a piece named “It Isn’t Forever” (seen here). 

 Well, not that anyone cares, but I recently remembered another song that had to have been that mix.  Released early in 1993, was an EP by the UK band Moose named “Liquid Make Up.  The second song on the EP is named “There’s Place” and I used to listen to it on repeat endlessly.  It was by far my favorite song on this new collection, which was strikingly different from their previous first four EPs, which were favorites amongst the multiple EPs that were coming out of the amazing UK indie scene in those days.  Suddenly, the noisy, loose, and jagged sounds were now breezy light pop, sometimes including whistling (the shift was hard to adjust to on the debut LP …XYZ).   It was a shock the system, but “There’s A Place” bridged that gap beautifully with its breezy guitar strum, wandering bass, and a smooth shuffling beat.  It’s a song that evoked its title in sound.  It could transport me to another “place.”  It was a dream that I could not get enough of, and it made the new direction Moose had turned more palatable.  It was also perfect for this particular mix, because it fit musically, but also its sense of re-generation (“when day is done / I’ll take my body home”) and acceptance is powerful and meaningful.  Now that I’m older, it feels like more of a sad song, and though I still wish there is a “place,” a place of peace that I was so desperately searching for while recovering from brain surgery early this year, but I haven’t even felt at “home” in decades.  “When all is gone / I’ll take my body home” takes on an almost cynical tone to me now.  It’s still a masterpiece.  I can still listen to it on repeat without ever tiring of it.

Moose "There's A PLace"  

Top 10 Albums of 2020

Normally, when I present these annual best of lists, it feels like a celebration of how much great music has come along during a given year.  It is fun to remember those early year albums, along with the fresh fire of an exciting late year release!  This strange year has been no exception.  So much great music has come about in 2020, despite the crushing blows received by the music industry (and so many of us) during this pandemic.  This is a small portion of what teased my ears this year and, as always, was very tough to narrow down.  The creative spirit is alive and well and though I have not found the same kind of fire, inspiration, and solace that I normally do from music, it is still my go to – no matter what.  Something always breaks through and brings about raw feelings and hope.  As 2020 winds down, it is difficult to be too optimistic, as promise of a return to normal life still seems so far away.  At any rate, please check out these fine artists, if you are unfamiliar, there’s a lot of great music here. 

 

#1. Laveda What Happens After

 

#2. Soft Blue Shimmer Heaven Inches Away

 

#3. Bob Mould Blue Hearts

 

#4. House of Harm Vicious Pastimes

 

#5. Heavy Sigh Hard to Care

 

#6. Nada Surf Never Not Together

 

#7. Sophia Holding On / Letting Go

 

#8. STAR Violence Against STAR

 

#9. Fire in the Radio Monuments

 

#10. Spectres Nostalgia

Heaven Inches Away

 

Soft Blue Shimmer

Heaven Inches Away

(Disposable America) 

For me, there has been a sound of warmth that has always drawn me to a certain kind of music.  It’s one of those elusive and incredibly difficult things to try to explain, but to me it’s very tangible.  As a kid, I remember first hearing tunes by Tubeway Army, OMD, and Depeche Mode that fit this bill.  There’s something about those early electropop bands that were comforting.  Maybe it’s the idea of an electronic instrument emitting actual warmth and light that filled my soul, along with a sound that was new, pure, and exciting.  I have found comfort in the strangest of places while seeking out this elusive feeling.  I remember when I first discovered the atonal chordings and feedback warmth of Sonic Youth in the late 80s, I found a peace inside all of their madness.  There’s something about a wall of buzzing feedback that can fuel me like a campfire.  I’m certain that a huge part of my tastes over the years have been effected greatly by this search, even if it comes in many different forms.

L.A. trio Soft Blue Shimmer are not really anything like any band I’ve mentioned above, yet they have warmth in spades.  They’ve done all the work with their debut full-length: Heaven Inches Away.  The album opens with a brief ambient sound titled “Space Heater,” which they translate as being “an intense emotion or feeling stretched over moments and sustained with lingering intensity.”  Is this what I’ve always been looking for?  There’s also an immaculate song called “Sunpools” and “Hold You in the Warm,” which all evoke this powerful need for a comforting blast or embrace of warmth. 

I immediately fell in love with Soft Blue Shimmer’s debut EP from the summer of 2019 (Nothing Happens Here), and it fast became one of my most listened to collections of the year.  The band’s name represents their sound so perfectly.  There is a softness to the way their instruments sound and meld together.  The guitars fizz and bubble and chime, the bass lines are exploratory and filling, while the drums sound unlike anyone else’s.  The cymbal work really does shimmer.  And then Meredith’s vocals are so understated, hummable, and stunningly beautiful.  She manages to squeeze out unbelievably emotive moments with a deft touch like on the aforementioned “Sunpools,” with the repeated refrain “it doesn’t mean anything” several times over.  It’s cathartic, yet in an understated way.  They are so damn musical!  The first single leaked from the LP, “Cherry Cola Abyss,” is the longest song here, has no real major hook, is a bit meandering, but it sounds like heaven!  It evokes a variety of emotions and continues to build a quiet intensity throughout.  It even comes with instructions during the instrumental peak near the end: “close your eyes & feel intensely the memory of things you felt a long time ago & thought you forgot: those lingering silent sense memories that remain…stay there for a moment.”  This is exactly why I love music so much, because it allows me to do just that with a color and verve that only certain sounds and ideas can provoke. 

They employ a cascading guitar sound on the upbeat and endlessly catchy “Emerald Bells” making for an incredibly sparkling and fiery moment simultaneously.  Even though it comes in at the beginning of the collection, it feels like a great set closer.  I really love the world weary voice of either Kenzo or Charlie here as well.  Really nice touch.  “Chihiro” scratches a similar itch as “Emerald Bells” with some more stunning guitar work and a chorus line of Meredith’s incredible voice.  “Hold You in the Warm,” which opens side two with more of those tasteful cascading guitars that reminds me of one of my all-time favorites Abecedarians, who have also filled my musical warmth needs over the years  Meanwhile, “Musubi” includes an off-kilter tempo change early on in its two minute brevity that somehow feels natural.  “Adore the Distance” closes out this album out in perfect fashion as it comes a realization that we can all move on from whatever things have been keeping us pinned down.  At some point, if we allow it, we can move on from our emotional trappings.  Or at least I hope so!  It’s a fantastic song that has repetitive detailed guitar notes that mildly evoke the glory of The Sundays, along with a memorable chorus.

 At any rate, I don’t feel like I can fully encapsulate how I truly feel about this record – this band’s sound.  It is one that, in essence, I’ve been searching for since before the band members were likely born.  It’s a strange thought, but my ears are drawn to this in such a way that I cannot love what they are doing to this point. 

(https://softblueshimmer.bandcamp.com/)

 

Soft Blue Shimmer "Cherry Cola Abyss"