Small Talk

 

I suppose it all depends on how different people define small talk.  To me, it means a conversation that is based on meaningless and safe topics.  In my world, these topics are generally about the weather and forecasts of the weather.  These days, it seems, that pretty much every topic can be divisive, and even weather could lead a conversation down a dark road of conflict.

However, I have never been good with small talk.  I fail at it.  I realize it’s importance.  It is a comfortable way to pass time when around strangers, it can open the door to deeper conversations, when none of those present knows how to jump in, it’s a way to feel other people out, and it can help people avoid that dreaded conflict that stresses a lot of us out.  It’s all casual and non-threatening 

When I say that I fail at it, I mean that I’m not good at it.  To me, it’s always been frivolous.  We only have so much time on this planet.  Why do we spend so much time talking about shit that no one cares about?  Don’t get me wrong.  I am obsessed with weather.  I watch all of the local forecasts with an old man’s focus.  I am interested in doppler radar, barometric pressures, heat indexes, and the various forecast models, and I check the weather app on my phone way more than I’d like to admit.  I can tell the difference between actual meteorologists and presenters on TV, and can become annoyed, if I believe that they don’t know their stuff.  Yet, hearing a bunch of random people talk about the weather – mostly wildly inaccurately, is quite possibly the last thing I want to do.  If it all were soundtracked by Todd Rundgren’s “Bang on the Drum All Day,” then my misery would be complete. 

When I find myself in those prime small talk situations, alone with random people for an indeterminate amount of time, I generally shut up.  I am not a talker to begin with.  However, I will take part, if someone else initiates, or if something that I think is strange happens and I can’t help but make some sort of crack.  If I do start yammering, I will start asking questions of the person, or people.  It’s a good way to not talk about myself.  Apparently, asking questions is often too much for most people.  Unless, it’s work-related, or weather related, or some such, people make it clear that anything personal is out of bounds.  Seems to be related to the invisible personal space bubble that most of us have, in various sizes (mine is very large), it seems to include probing questions and revealing personal thoughts.

I guess that’s it.  I am no different than most people.  I find ways to avoid sharing too much self-information, and people that can talk a lot about nothing, are trying to do the same thing, just in a different way.  They have learned how to use small talk, where I have not.  Asking probing questions often shuts down a kind of connection, and that’s where I fail. 

Small talk bothers me that much more with people that one already knows.  I do not need the weather run down, I don’t need a meaningless list of activities that they’ve checked off some sort of list.  I get this a lot, for example: when people talk about what music they’re listening to, what books they’ve read, what movies they’ve seen, and especially what TV shows they’ve been streaming, but that’s it.  A list of things is meaningless to me.  I can only find interest, if these things come with information.  Were these various things enjoyable and why?  Are they recommending them to me?  I want to ask these follow up questions, but they are often met with an exasperated reaction and rarely any answers.  To me, it feels like there’s no point.  I’m interested in the reason behind people’s choices, and what makes them tick.  I want to know about them.  I am incredibly slow to trust people, and always have been.  It helps me trust, if I know more about who I am dealing with.  Plus, I am genuinely interested.  The same is true with the weather topic.  If the topic, comes with a story, it can become intriguing.  Not every topic of conversation has to be deep and meaningful, but at least bring something personal to the table!  Tell a story!

Still I find small talk amongst friends very strange.  I understand building up to more in-depth topics of conversation, but if there is a solid base of familiarity there, why waste time chatting about weather, or other frivolous topics, unless there’s a story there?  I don’t understand.  Perhaps, it’s me.  Maybe I am untrustworthy.  Perhaps, I do not do a good job of creating a trusting space, or am too judgmental, or am not deemed worthy of being privy to such information.  I am seriously trying to understand.  I’m trying to notice which types of questions make me uncomfortable and not ask those, because as I said before, I'm slow to trust others.  For example, recently I met my cousin Laura, who is a high school English teacher, at the wonderful Auntie’s Bookstore in Spokane.  I don’t get to see her often, every few years, but after a few moments of greeting, I asked her for a book recommendation - like what is her all-time favorite book – the book that has most impacted her.  Though, I really want to know, I immediately realized that that was a very personal and pressurized question, and totally unfair.  I likely would have changed the subject like she did.

Amazing that I can say all of this, while writing about something that is frivolous.  It is something I’m trying to learn though.  I want to do better, and I want to understand why we as a people struggle so much to communicate, when we’re around each other.  Me, included, if not especially!  We’re all each other have.