“What’s your deal bro?!”
“What do you mean, ‘what’s my deal?’?”
Michael exhaled and let his arms flap to his sides before pinching the bridge of his nose. “Joe, we’ve been friends since we were little kids and you’ve barely dated at all! What’s that about?”
“Um…I don’t know Mike,” Joe followed suit with the long exhale. He had often dreaded this question. He had barely dated. He did not date anyone at all until he had gone off to college, and even then, it was not until his second year. Joe knew that this was unusual. His awareness of his friends’ and acquaintances’ dating experiences all through high school was pretty limited, though what he knew unsettled him. At one point, he had developed a crush on Samantha from his algebra class, but all he heard about her is that she had a wild side. He didn’t know what to believe, but if any of it were true, but he did know that she spent a lot of time with tough guys like Tommy, who had a full goatee and a neck tattoo by the seventh grade. It intimidated the fuck out of him. Joe was not wild. He was scared.
“Remember back during the summer before Junior High and we used to talk about all of the girls that we were into?” Michael’s arms raised like a stretching bird about to take flight – a bottle in each hand of vodka and rum. “It seems like you had quite a list! What happened?”
“I don’t know. It just never happened for me,” Joe stuttered and dropped his head. Blood rushed to his face and he silently asked himself the same question: ‘what happened?!”
“I mean, Joni always says that you’re kind of the shit!” Michael shouted. Joe thought about how Michael always seems to shout. Joe supposed that it’s not shouting, if he always talks like this and he did. Most of Joe’s closest friends were loud.
“Joni has never told me this…” Joe mumbled and stopped and opened the front door of the Victorian home with a creaky closed in porch where Michael and Joni were renting. Michael’s longtime girlfriend was also Joe’s friend, but she had never told him this bit of info. Would it have made any difference? Joe decided it may have only added to the pressure he always put on himself. No one was more aware of his aloneness and that it was pretty weird.
Joe held the door open for Michael who set the bottles of booze down just inside the door onto the floor next to a ten gallon rubber garbage can along with a few other bottles. Joe handed Mike his door keys and flopped down onto the low couch that oddly faced toward the front door.
“You gotta be confident around the ladies! Just be yourself!” Michael shouted, or said as he moved into the kitchen behind the couch.
“I am ‘me.’ Always. It’s frightening how ‘myself’ I always am. I am confident with how ‘me’ I am, because it’s reliable. I know that I am always ‘me,’” Joe blurted these words with a profound emphasis as if they had already been loaded. “I’ve always admired how you can blend in with all kinds of different personalities in different situations Mike. I’m not good at that, and I think I’m incapable of adapting. I do not want to adapt. I’ve only had serious feelings for three girls in my life: two of them didn’t want to have anything to do with me and the third didn’t know I existed. “It seems clear to me that what I am is not something women want.”
“Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. You sound like that whiny dude that your dad
listened to all the time after your mom left.”
Michael was still in the kitchen.
“I want the one I can’t have / and
it’s driving me mad,” a horrific caterwaul floated out to the front room
from Michael’s mouth.
Joe’s attention was quickly diverted to a jiggle at the front door.
Joni threw open the front door carrying two grocery bags “Of course you’re here! Don’t get up.” Joe had no intention of getting up from the couch. He wasn’t sure he would be able to without rolling onto the floor first. “You know the party isn’t for a couple of hours?” Joni projected with no expectation of any kind of response as she clomped her way into the kitchen.
Joe could hear Michael and Joni
talking, but he could not hear what they were saying. He closed his eyes and felt a chill fizzle
along his forearms.
++++++++++++
Joe had drifted off to sleep and had only awoken because of a knock on the door. It startled him. It had grown dark outside. The front room was also dark aside from a few candles. He could make out the faint scent of sandalwood. He rolled onto the hardwood floor and pushed himself up from all fours. His face felt smashed in like he was wearing a tight helmet. His senses were dulled. He hated falling asleep during the day. It always felt catastrophic to him. He wasn’t fully aware of where he was or what was happening. He opened the door and there were three people – two guys and a girl – whom he did not recognize. “Come on in,” he guided as he turned his head and looked longingly at the couch.
The girl smiled at him and introduced herself: “Hi, my name is Sarah, and this is my boyfriend Josh, and this is Josh’s friend Jacob.” To Joe, Josh and Jacob were identical. They both had messy hair that he assumed took both of them hours to coif. They were both wearing vintage drab green military style jackets, black jeans and Docs. Sarah had a dark brown bob hairstyle that seemed to be balancing a little crooked on her head, and she was wearing a tight fitting pink sweater underneath a black windbreaker. Sarah smiled and looked at Joe expectantly.
“Um, my name is Joe, nice to meet you,” Joe muttered and then curled into the kitchen from the front room hoping that either Michael or Joni would be there to take charge.
Michael was slicing up various citruses (citrisi?) to dump into the Jungle Juice barrel out by the front door. Joe could hear Joni’s voice out in the front room. He took in a deep breath and slowly released it, as he situated himself next to Michael at the kitchen sink. He began putting the already cut citruses into a bowl that was already in place next to the sliced fruits.
Michael leaned over and in his quietest voice asked “So what do you think?”
“About what?”
“Sarah,” he said with disgust on his face and a flick of his hands to splash some juice into Joe’s face.
“She’s very pretty. What does it matter? She has a boyfriend.”
“So what? Look at that guy. He’s like a little boy and you’re the man.” Michael smacked his lips and directed the rest of the cut pieces into the bowl with his knife, wiped his hands with a towel and tossed it over his shoulder. He grabbed the bowl and wandered off with it into the front room.
Joe followed and in an effort to explain himself kept talking to the back of Michael’s head, “I’ve got nothing better to bring to the table than those guys, or anyone for that matter! I’m like the list of horrible side effects from one of those pharmaceutical ads,” he continued “except I don’t come with any positive effect that the medication might have to offer.”
Michael smacked his lips in disgust
and shook his head side to side.
There were more people out in the front room by that time and Joni was handing out cups full of the red booze concoction shouting “You know its quality when it comes from the trash!” Michael upturned the bowl of fruit into the jungle juice and set it down on the floor next to the gray rubber trash can. A song from the early 00s was playing quietly. Joe recognized it, but he didn’t know the artist. The only music he remembers from then were his father’s 80s and 90s punk rock and indie 45s. He used to look at them obsessively while listening them. The often photocopied paper sleeves and rough recordings transported him to another world. The music felt dangerous and far more informed than he ever felt. Most of those 7” singles were stuffed with small bits of paper with organizational information, informative news stories, interesting poetry, and handwritten personal notes from the bands directed to his father. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and then absentmindedly returned it without looking at it. He already wanted to leave.
Michael handed Joe a full cup and waved over Sarah to give her one, then shouted out a cheers as he held his cup aloft. Nearly everyone is the room shouted “cheers” in response and drank in unison.
“Joseph, this is Sarah. Sarah works with Joni downtown when she’s not too busy taking every college course PSU offers,” Michael smiled and awkwardly winked. His constant winking was disconcerting at best, which only encouraged him to wink more often.
“Hi Joe. Is Joe okay?” Sarah looking directly at Joe smiled and asked, “You said your name was Joe earlier, right?”
Joe could feel blood rush to his face. He looked into her eyes and immediately averted them. She was too much stimuli for him. “Yes. Yes, everyone calls me Joe.” Joe’s voice was quiet and soft and he could feel himself leaning his head toward Sarah. Her eyebrows were set at dramatic angles and black and they framed her stunning brown eyes, which had a friendliness that resonated with him in a way he did not understand.
“Not Joey though. He hates that,” Michael interjected as he turned and walked away.
“Uh, I don’t really mind,” Joe smiled and tried to regain eye contact with Sarah. He noticed that he had clasped his hands together with fingers intertwined. He had become a cartoon. He had always suspected that he was a cartoon, but the most uninteresting and least entertaining ever.
Joe felt a calm rise up through his body, and despite the loud chatter of people talking over the music, his voice became soft, “How long have you known Joni?” he leaned in and asked Sarah. Her eyes captivated him. Sarah held eye contact like no one he had ever encountered. She smiled and he couldn’t help, but try to smile too. She was contagious. He was fully aware that his smiles look more like a pained grimace like he’s trying to keep in a fart.
“We’ve been working together for a few months down at the coffee shop.” She leaned in so her face was near his. “Joni says that you’re a writer!”
“No, not really,” Joe stammered, “but I do enjoy writing, but it’s all terrible”
“I’d love to read some. Do you have a website?”
“No.” Joe blurted out. “Nice answer,” he thought to himself, “What the fuck was that?” he asked himself as she backed away.
“I should probably go find Josh,” she said turning away.
Joe watched her move across the room. He was trying to read her mind as she navigated her way through the small groups of people clustered in the room. He sensed that she had an interesting running inner dialogue that he wanted to know. She exuded a confident intelligence that was making his stomach toss and turn with excitement. He didn’t know what was happening to him. Everything about her was amazing! He had never felt so drawn to anyone like this before and had never felt such a peace overcome him. His prior attractions have always shot through him like electricity giving him a nervous and generally disastrous energy. He kept her in his sights and followed her over toward her and Josh and Jacob.
He stopped about five feet short and watched.
“You should’ve seen Josh shouting at the city council as the gestapo dragged him out of the room,” Jacob yelled to Sarah.
“It was awesome! They had to shut down the meeting because we fucked their shit up!” Josh confirmed.
Sarah shook her head back and forth and crossed her arms. “Weren’t they supposed to vote on appropriations for low income housing today?” she asked as she took in a short breath and held it.
“Yah dude, but we fucking made sure those bastards know that they need to shut down the ICE shit! Quick look up and see if my mugshot is online yet so I can post it on IG,” Josh commanded to Jacob.
“Isn’t that up to the Feds?” Sarah followed up, “Is that something the council can do?” Sarah didn’t wait for an answer as she turned away from the conversation and turned to grab her jacket by the door.
“Are you leaving?” Joe asked her with a crack in his voice. He felt a sudden desperate surge push up into his chest.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling so great, sorry.” She looked down as she cinched her jacket around her waist.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he trailed off, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Can I see you to your car or walk you home?” he blurted with renewed vigor and a minor sense of panic. He wanted to know everything about her at that moment and knew it wasn’t going to happen.
“Aw, thanks Joe, I’ll be fine, Josh
and I live in that shitty building just across the street.” Sarah zipped up her coat and looked over to
Josh as he and Jacob slapped hands in celebration as they told someone about their
disruption tale. “It was very nice to
meet you, Joe, I hope to see you soon.”
+++++++++++++
“Hey man,” Joe croaked into his phone. It was Michael. He’s always been a caller. Joe is a texter.
“Joni says that Sarah really likes you! I was feeling a vibe between you two the other night,” Michael stated as if this were a question. Joe felt a rush of energy bolt through his arms.
“She liked me? We barely spoke,” he stuttered in response.
“Hell yeah! We gotta set you two up. Bro, I’ve never seen you like that before!” Michael’s voice causing Joe to pull the phone away from his ear.
“What about her boyfrie-‘
“Fuck that idiot!” Michael emphasized. “Your dad would’ve rolled over in his grave seeing Sarah with those two wanna be punks,” Michael added knowing full well Joe’s dad was still alive. “Shall I have Joni give her your number?”
Joe’s mind began to race. He didn’t know what any of this meant. Did Sarah like him like him, or was she going to be his friend, while staying with Josh? He felt his phone buzzing in his hand and saw an incoming call with a familiar prefix. “I gotta take this call, hold on.” He pressed the green button. “Hello?”
“Hi Joe?”
“Yes.”
“This is Doctor Rosen. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the abdominal MRI results in your MyChart yet, but I wanted to get in touch with you as soon as possible.”
Joe was picturing Dr. Rosen, who had been his urologist since he had been a little kid. His calm voice and shocking white hair. “What’s going on?”
“Well, I have bad news. Those lesions we’ve been monitoring in your kidneys need to be addressed. It looks like we will likely have to remove both of kidneys before the tumors can metastasize.”
Joe sat on the arm of his loveseat and took in a deep breath. “Um, okay?” He did not know what to say or ask.
Dr. Rosen continued, “Can you come in tomorrow afternoon. We will go over your scans and come up with a game plan. This will involve dialysis, so we will get you set up with a nephrologist and a vascular surgeon for a fistula.”
“A what?” Joe mumbled, barely able to move his lips.
“How about my office at 2 PM tomorrow?”
Joe let out the air he had taken in and agreed to the appointment. He began smashing his face with his left palm, and switched the call back to Michael. “Hey.”
“What was that all about? Are you down? Maybe she’ll give you a call and you can go out?” Michael urged.
“I – I don’t think that’s a good
idea. I gotta go, sorry.”
