Almost six years ago, I wrote the message below to a new friend. We were both people struggling through a difficult time and we connected via our respective health issues. For a short period of time, I’d like to think we helped each other out. Currently, I am struggling through a similarly dark stretch of health concerns with lots of questions and uncertainty, with no answers on the horizon. I ran across this today while deleting and/or backing up old files on my computer. It seemed a fitting tribute to all of my friends and family and how huge of a debt I owe each and every one of them.
Sometimes I wonder why I do it – why any of us do it. I've never believed in any kind of bigger picture, or been spiritual in any way. When it comes to life and its meaning, I don't have any answers and I often wonder what the point of it all is. These questions always arise when I have to deal with health problems, especially while I was a kidney dialysis patient. During those three years I contributed nothing worthwhile to society, nor did I enjoy any aspect of it. At best I was a burden to my friends and family. I couldn't work very much, nor do anything creative, plus I was a serious expense and burden. To this day I wonder why I fought so hard to survive, only to end up cold, isolated, and loaded with guilt and regrets. Yet, there are still those moments - those times when you are able to forget, because your friends rally and fill you with a sense of belonging and love. Occasionally, there are those times when you can help someone out with advice or comfort that provides a sense of purpose. Sometimes there are moments or situations where you may encounter someone, when you least expect it, who will change your life. Maybe none of the big questions get answered, but at least you can feel good about being around, if only for a few moments.