Sunday, September 27, 2009
An End Has A Start
Life happens. Isn't that one of those old cliches? Well, it has always happened to me and I'm done with it! I have spent too much of my time letting life happen to me, as opposed to going out and making it happen my way. I inherited my mom's gentle spirit and take a backseat attitude, along with my dad's tragic crumble under pressure and give in attitude. Let me tell you, it's not a good combination for taking a stand.
Currently, I am working two part-time jobs, neither of which has any kind of benefits, like health insurance or paid vacation time. I have been working long hours endlessly, through sickness and in health, with no breaks and no advancement. Meanwhile, I have continued to look for something regular, full-time, singular, different, and especially one that includes some kind of additional benefits besides pay. Last week, I found one. So, I am momentarily keeping the job I do at home, and I sadly gave my two weeks customary notice at the other. "Sadly," because I enjoy the people I work with. Unfortunately, the new job will not wait for me. So, again, I try and do the right thing. Continue with my commitment to the old job with my notice and still go in to the new job to show my new commitment to them. What is the result? Misery! It's terrible. I am trying too hard for everyone else. I am not doing the right thing for myself. The good news is, by week's end, if I survive, I will be back to two jobs (although more hours than before) and hopefully, soon enough, ONE job. The thing is, I am not that healthy. I am much healthier now than I have been anytime this entire decade, but this is literally driving me to the grave. And for what? So I can earn enough money to pay for my exorbitantly priced transplant meds and all the crazy meds that I take to fight the side effects of the transplant drugs? None of this makes me happy. None of this fulfills me. All it does is feed me and clothe me and give me a crappy place to live. This has to change and I will make it happen.
On the other fronts, I need to make more progress as well. At least I am starting to make headway, but I have a long way to go. There have been a couple of posts in the recent past about women that I have taken a fancy to. One of which I have made a mild effort to make a date with (or whatever) to little effect. Here again, I need to overcome myself and be definite and forward and ignore my doubts. I need to do this for myself. In the other case, I may be fighting an uphill battle that no attitude adjustment can change. But I will not forget and I will continue to work my way towards a chance. Any kind of chance. A chance to end this dark pathway I've been on and create a path that I can feel proud of. That is, once this upcoming week is over. I still have butterflies rumbling around my gut and I want to change them from ones of stress to ones of anticipation and excitement.