Almost six years ago, I wrote the message below to a new friend. We were both people struggling through a difficult time and we connected via our respective health issues. For a short period of time, I’d like to think we helped each other out. Currently, I am struggling through a similarly dark stretch of health concerns with lots of questions and uncertainty, with no answers on the horizon. I ran across this today while deleting and/or backing up old files on my computer. It seemed a fitting tribute to all of my friends and family and how huge of a debt I owe each and every one of them.
Thank you.
Sometimes I wonder why I do it – why any of us
do it. I've never believed in any kind
of bigger picture, or been spiritual in any way. When it comes to life and its meaning, I don't
have any answers and I often wonder what the point of it all is. These questions always arise when I have to
deal with health problems, especially while I was a kidney dialysis
patient. During those three years I
contributed nothing worthwhile to society, nor did I enjoy any aspect of
it. At best I was a burden to my friends
and family. I couldn't work very much,
nor do anything creative, plus I was a serious expense and burden. To this day I wonder why I fought so hard to
survive, only to end up cold, isolated, and loaded with guilt and regrets. Yet, there are still those moments - those
times when you are able to forget, because your friends rally and fill you with
a sense of belonging and love.
Occasionally, there are those times when you can help someone out with advice
or comfort that provides a sense of purpose.
Sometimes there are moments or situations where you may encounter
someone, when you least expect it, who will change your life. Maybe none of the big questions get answered,
but at least you can feel good about being around, if only for a few moments.
(02/11/07)
I love your honesty and willingness to look at how you really feel in any given moment, Chris. I'm sorry you're struggling with uncertainty right now and I hope you can find some peace soon. It is horrible to not know which way to go, which path to take, especially when you have relied on professionals who are throwing their hands in the air. I do know that, whether or not you know it, you contribute a lot to the lives of others, with your unique perspective on life, your love and knowledge of music, and your enthusiasm for it (and for golf). The toughest part of realizing your own value is not comparing it against the other people around you. We all have things we bring to the table and they all look very different, but that doesn't make them less worthy. I'll send you lots of love and light and the fervent hope that you find some clarity soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this Kari. This is why I wanted to send my appreciation for the support like this I have received over the years through tough times and good times. Unfortunately, this has been a very tough time and I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that I feel physically terrible all of the time, but am being asked to "hang in there" so that my new transplant medications take hold. It is the combination of only a partially functioning single kidney and the side effects of these drugs that are causing my issues. Emotionally, I simply have no fight left. I do not know what to do!
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