Hope

 

“Hope is a word that you say any day

It’s a dream and it screams in your head”

The House of Love’s Guy Chadwick croons this chorus so majestically from his band’s brilliant 1988 debut album.  This song was on repeat in my mind a lot back then.  I used to sing along, thinking that he was saying “everyday” – not “any day.”  Not that it makes a huge difference.  I have always said the word hope all the freaking time.  In 1988, though my 17 year old self may have denied it then, I had actual genuine hope.  Things weren’t great.  I was battling a lot of self-doubt, loneliness, depression and sleeplessness, but I had goals and dreams and a desire that all of these things would turn around.  There was a future.  Apparently, I did not pay enough to the conclusion of the song:

“It’s a lie on a seat of a night

When you’re bawling like a baby, so alone

Like a baby

It’s not right”

It feels true.  Hope is a liar, a charlatan, and a temptation beckoning us to keep going despite overwhelming evidence of futility and failure.  Hope creates dreams, desires, and expectations that eventually lead to disappointment.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have hope.  It’s alarming how often I say the word: “I hope you have a great weekend!”  “I hope you’re feeling well!”  “I hope you have a nice evening!”  “I hope you get well quick!”  You get the idea.  I do hope these things for the people I say them to.  I want people to thrive, be joyful, content, fulfilled, healthy, excited, and successful in whatever measure they choose.  I’d like those things for myself as well!  It’s the hope part that crushes me.  I have not figured out how to wish for these types of things without feeling completely empty for not achieving them.  

I’ve heard wise people say that life is about the journey – the search for fulfillment, etc. not so much about the achievement.    It makes total sense.  I can logically see and understand that, yet when I look back on my life, it feels like the journey has been about setbacks and frustration.  This is why I blame hope.  Every time I get one of those notions that fill me with daydreams of what could be, I get so thrilled by the idea that I have a difficult time living in the moment.  Once those grand visions start to pass, and reality sets in, my life, as it is, feels that much more distasteful.  I would rather not go through the disappointment, but I have not figured out how to twist that hope faucet tight enough to stop the drip.  If I didn’t have hope, then my stupid mind wouldn’t generate expectations, and theoretically I’d never be disappointed.  Perhaps I would find a clearer route to appreciating what I do have.

 

In 1990 Bad Religion released the song “The Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking,” (from Against the Grain) the title of which has become a mantra for me.  This under a minute shredder surgically cuts our cultural egos down to size and expresses utter disgust at everything that has grown too big for its britches.  Yet, it is optimistic and insightful for recognizing what’s wrong.  For one could say that theoretically we cannot correct our mistakes until we recognize them.  On a personal level, I love this notion, because it fits my dream of no expectations, no illusions, no disappointments and occasional pleasant surprises.  And yes, I am fully aware that I am writing about hoping for no hope.  It’s not lost on me.  This is simply a long winded way of saying that I am exhausted, like so many, from spending most of my time doing things I do not want to do and feeling like my entire life has been wasted.  Tired of having a broken heart full of sadness for not ever achieving any of my high end goals due to an ugly cocktail of laziness, poor decision making, bad timing, lack of ability, and uncooperative health issues.  Perhaps if I had never had dreams, I would not be so lost now.