Keep on Working

 

Every September for the past several years, I have posted hyper-enthusiastic posts regarding my annual vacation time spent attending the annual visit to Portland by the LPGA (Ladies Professional Golf Association).  Except for last year.  Last year, I was hobbled too much by my medical condition, the tournament was moved to a terrible location and it was mostly rained out.  I did try to attend one day, but the course was simply too hilly.  It was upsetting, but I kept telling myself: next year.

Everything started falling in to place.  The tournament is set to return to its usual location at Columbia Edgewater CC and return period.  A new sponsor has signed on (AmazingCre – whatever that is), and the field looks to be loaded with stars.  However, I am not ready.  Generally, I get involved for the entire week.  I have volunteered to caddie for the two Pro-Ams and attend from dawn until near dusk all four rounds of the tournament.  I genuinely love it.  Perhaps too much!  Every year, I realize that I feel truly at home out there and feel great!  It makes me giddy!  I have always been able to overcome my physical limitations and push through and walk those hills repeatedly in the sunshine.  I had considered buying what they call Champion’s Club tickets (which are like luxury box seats in an arena (food and beverages are provided), but these seats overlooking the final hole are now too expensive for me to consider, even though I have bought them in the past.  I most enjoy following and rooting on my favorite players as they make their way around the course, but had considered the Champion’s Club seats as an alternative due to my current disabled state.  Unfortunately, they priced this particular riff raff out of the market, and the realization that the walk from the adjacent field parking lot to the golf course would likely be too difficult.

Now, on the eve of the tournament, I find myself truly lost.  I don’t carry cable TV anymore, so I will miss the TV coverage and I won’t get to see the golf and the trials and triumphs that take place everywhere on the course.  It is depressing.  To most, it likely sounds silly.  Yet to me, it’s emblematic of where I am now.  So much of who I am and what I do, or have always done, is gone.  Live music?  Gone.  I know there are ways to make some of these things happen, but it is all just too much for me to handle at this point.  I’m in mourning for what I used to be able to do and have not yet figured out what’s next.  I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression and this event that I always find so important and so rejuvenating has slipped through my hands for a second year in a row.

Next Year.  There’s always next year.  Gotta keep on working.

Ruined in a Day

Late afternoon, during the first round of the Cambia Portland Classic, I found myself completely out of gas.  I was worried, because this was just the first of four long days (Besides the two days of Pro-Am caddying I managed to get through).  Even the golfer I had decided to cheer on, Amy Yang, her first trip to Portland, seemed to be lacking focus.  All round, she couldn’t make a damn putt.  On the beautiful 13^th hole – par 3 over water – she hit a shot that reminded me of how I play, when I’ve completely given up and am about to give my golf ball to Ken to throw down the fairway in lieu of actually swinging a club anymore.  Meanwhile, I was thirsty, hot, and sore.  My feet were covered in blisters and I was worried that my normal fiery run of inspiration from the annual LPGA visit was going to be cut short.  I sent text messages out pleading for someone to drive out onto the course, drag my lifeless body into their car and dump me in the parking field near my car.  No one was willing me help.  As Amy (ranked 11^th best in the world!) missed putt after putt and proceeded to build a score of three over par, I had to crawl my way on my hands and knees towards the 17^th hole where the beer tent generally resides to at least enjoy a cold one before expiring – only to find that it was gone!  As panic set in, I began to wonder if this was how it would all end.  Not from a botched surgery, or from all the strong medications I take or from cancer or a failed transplanted kidney, but from sheer exhaustion out on a golf course watching the LPGA.  If that were to be the case, then I would be more than okay with that.  It’s not very often that I feel like I make a decision throughout a day, where I can say: “This is exactly what I want to be doing,” but when I am out in the sunshine, on a beautiful golf course, watching talented professional golfers, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.

Every year when I go through this, I ponder why I do the things I do.  I think about why I like the things I like.  I begin to question everything.  What is it about attending this golfing event that is so much of a thrill for me?  I never feel like I really find any answers, except my extreme dislike of my current employment becomes more focused and intense, and that I do not do enough of the things that bring me happiness (I’m sure most can relate).  Even though I get so much out of this event, I am fully aware that a huge percentage of people out there do not understand.  Every time I find myself informing people about the event and my excitement for it, I can see the mystified or the completely disinterested expressions sweep across their faces.  At best, I’ll get a sympathetic pat on the back as they try to understand the ramblings of someone on the verge of a mental breakdown (which is not far off the mark).  Yet, every time I am involved with this LPGA event, I meet fellow volunteers who have been at it for years, expressing the same kind of excitement (many of whom are not golfers), as well as meeting new volunteers with huge smiles on their faces, who find out how great this event is.  During the tournament, I overhear comments from first-timers like “This is way better than I thought it would be” over and over again.

I do love golf and have since I was a little kid.  I used to be a dedicated seasonal player.  Going out a couple of times a week from around May till October.  I have always watched golf on TV, which I realize to most people is akin to watching paint dry, but it’s the internal drama that I thrive on.  Golf is so individual and so mental, that is much different than most competitive activities.  I understand this as a hacker, who has had many dark moments cracking up from the internal pressure of trying to be good at the game and not pulling it off even for a moment.  I’ve been attending the Portland LPGA event now for seven years and I have barely put together 27 holes of playing golf in the last 4 and none in over two years.  Instead I’ve been living golf vicariously through these up close stretches of seeing how talented people manage.  It’s not just the competitive story-line of trying to win the tournament, but it’s the stories of each player trying to achieve different levels of success.  A young player trying to earn their first check as a pro, or an older player still trying to eke out a living as long as they can, it can even be as simple as trying to be better than the day prior. 

For me, the joy of watching these women play golf is that I can see their amazing skills up close, but also that I can see how they cope.  You get to know them through their body language, their reactions, and what they do during the moments while they are waiting for their playing partner to hit a shot.  Golf is so humanizing.  The game is played so much inside the head.  This year I chose Amy Yang to support, because over the last few years, I have seen her play really well on TV in major tournaments like the US Open, but she has never pulled through with a win.  I’m one of those people who often feels sympathy for those who fall just short.  I seem to have an appreciation of the underdog.  It’s clearly present with the music I love.  I have always been more inclined to sit at the empty or near empty table in the lunchroom, than to sit with the popular crowd.  Of course, there are stages of this, so I try to fill out my golf spectating by seeking out lesser known players to follow, players who could break out at any moment, and of course, the players at the top of the tourney competing for the big prize.  One of the things I love about golf is that any of these levels of players can win any week.  Anyway, back on track, Amy, for reasons likely only apparent to me, reminds me of my cousin Laura.  It’s something that I see in the expressions and mannerisms they share.  I made the decision to root for Yang, because I need a main rooting interest to maximize my own experience out there. With golf it’s unique in that you want everyone to do well - just your favorite a little better.  I don’t dislike players, as with other sports where, for example, I can hate the Seattle Sounders with an intense passion – so much so, that I get more satisfaction from seeing them lose than to see the Portland Timbers win.  And as usual, she won me over, like these players generally do. 

For this year’s tournament, Stacy Lewis, a multiple winning (but not for a few years), perennially Top 10 player won.  It was a great story, because she has had a long run of Top 10 finishes and runner-ups, but has not closed the deal since 2014 (she placed second in 2016’s Portland Classic).  And before the tournament began, she pledged that any money she earned, this Houston native would donate directly to Hurricane Harvey relief.  Sadly, for me, Amy Yang struggled both in the first round and the final round.  However, the ride she went on was dramatic as can be.  She began the second round tied for 122^nd and four shots over the weekend cut line (after two rounds the field gets “cut” approximately in half – the players who do not make the cut, do not earn money) and with 5 holes to play was still two shots above the cut line.  I began mumbling goals to myself for her to reach (“She’s gotta get at least 3 birdies over the last 4 holes) and that’s exactly what she did!  The slumped shoulders and forlorn looks to the sky after yet another just-missed putt from Thursday were now bright smiles and energized fist bumps with her caddy.  Then on Saturday, after a slow start, Amy made a clutch long putt for par on the 4^th hole after driving behind the big pesky tree down the left side of the fairway.  Then she birdied 5, eagled 7, and nearly aced the par 3 eighth hole (made birdie).  She then made birdie on the 10^th hole.  So in 24 hours she went from tied for 122^nd to a tie for 10^th!  I was practically floating on air.  The fireworks stopped from then on as she played one over par the rest of the way.

The final round, unfortunately, was bleak from the get go.  She bogeyed the first hole from the middle of the fairway and from then on struggled with every facet of her game, especially her chipping.  She just couldn’t put anything positive together.  The smiles and purposeful stride from the day before, became stern expressions.  Amy began walking far apart from her caddy muttering to herself with a stern lecture.  Pure frustration had set in.  And I was with her in spirit the entire way, but there’s nothing I could do.  Sometimes I joke that my presence curses the players I encounter and in times like these, it begins to feel real.  Despite myself, I let her go after 13 holes in favor of that final group with the crowds and popular kids.  I still feel guilty and sad about that decision, but I can’t wait to be out there to make up for it next year.

Independence Day

As I slowly crested the steep slope up next to the 18^th green, and then down around behind the grandstands and past the clubhouse – pushing the empty pull golf cart, my eyes began to well with emotion.  I swallowed hard and took in a fast deep breath in an effort to keep the burgeoning wave from splashing over the edge.  I pulled down my white golf hat to try to disguise my stretched and distorted face.

Stephanie smiled at me, as her right hand gestured to the area I should park the cart, and said, “You made it!  Grab some lunch!”  By the looks of the limited lunch offerings, I must have been one of the last volunteers back from the golf course.

“I can’t believe I made it,” I mumbled in response.  She smiled.  All I could think about was that six months prior, I was dragging myself around in a wheelchair around the 5^th and 6^th floors of the Rehabilitation Institute of Oregon, inside Good Samaritan Hospital.  They had me doing intensive Physical and Occupational therapies every day for three weeks.  “No, really, I can’t believe I made it.”  Earlier that morning, as I took that cart out to the 5^th hole tee box for the shot gun start of the Pro-Am, I was pretty sure I was in over my head.  I was stumbling around awkwardly on the uneven ground, quickly short of breath, and beginning to feel stress on my weakened left side.

I didn’t want to say anything about it to Stephanie, but out came a brief explanation about the stroke I experienced last fall and how hard I have worked to essentially get to where I was at that very moment.  I couldn’t help myself.  I was brimming with pride, a decidedly foreign feeling, and gratitude for all of the amazing help I have received along the way from therapist’s Kate, Denise, Adriane, Erin, and especially the wonderful Jaime for her miracle work over the last five months or so (I am still doing my homework!!).  Yes, I have worked really hard to regain my independence, first and foremost, a truly underrated thing.  But the more focused direct and immediate goal I have been striving for has been to be able to have the stamina, balance, and ability to walk well enough in order to volunteer caddie for the two annual Pro-Am’s and to be able to roam freely around all four days of the LPGA tournament: the Cambia Portland Classic.  It may seem like a silly thing to be so intent about, but if you’ve spent any time perusing these words I share here, or have spent any time with me, you already know how much this all means.

Morgan Pressel

This was my 5th year volunteering as a caddie and my 7^th year in a row of attending and I am already looking forward to next year’s event (hopefully, back in August where it belongs).  I have already espoused endlessly about my enthusiasm for this tournament and my love of the LPGA (see the rundown of last year’s event: SomethingMust Break), so I will try not to repeat myself too much about the quality of the golf, the competition, and the approachability and friendliness of the players, whom you get to see so up close – like a courtside seat for nearly every shot.  A quick example: it was touching to see Morgan Pressel smile and pick up a toddler who was stumbling toward her as she moved from the 15^th green to the 16^th tee box – as Morgan (we’re on a first name basis) gingerly returned the little girl to her rightful guardians and took a moment to take a picture with the family and sign a golf ball, even though she was really struggling through a terrible round of golf. 

Brooke Henderson

Admittedly, the tournament lacked a little spark for me this year.  I have lost my two favorite players to early retirement, first Leta Lindley in 2011 (see Summerside), then Jee Young Lee last year.  I found that I need to have a true rooting interest.  Still, the tournament was really exciting down the stretch until Brooke Henderson grabbed a stranglehold on the lead for good by the 71^st hole with an impressive up and down, but I missed the intensity I have felt in previous years – living and dying with every shot of a particular player.  There are so many great players to root for, I am having difficulty picking one!!  Plus, I continue to bring some kind of curse to the players I go out to watch hole to hole (is it my deodorant?).  They seem to play fine until I show up (see the Morgan Pressel example above).  How often does one see a player shank a shot into a tree and have the tree keep the ball?  Hello penalty stroke.  Hello triple bogey.  My apologies, Victoria Elizabeth.

Victoria Elizabeth

In the end, however, this one was more for me and my own goals.  I made it!!  I tracked just over 72,000 steps on the course watching these talented women over four days (one of the sponsors was handing out pedometers in an effort to raise charitable dollars), when it was only a few weeks ago that I was still relying heavily on the use of a cane to get around.  Now that I have managed to do that, I know I can continue to work to get better.  There is still a long way to go and likely a lot of frustrating challenges ahead, but I needed to make it through this big event to prove to myself that I still have the will to keep on.

Something Must Break

Wow.  It has come and gone again: my annual journey into the world of the LPGA and the long running Portland Classic out at the stunning Columbia Edgewater Golf Club.  Increasingly, it has become not only the highlight of my year, but in many ways the only thing that keeps me trudging through each chaotic and crises filled day.  This year proves, once again, that the thrill remains.  I simply cannot get enough of this event.  It’s overwhelming, like a huge music festival where all of my favorite bands are playing at the same time!

The tournament itself was anticlimactic this year, as the impressive young Canadian phenom, Brooke Henderson dominated over the weekend and went on to win by eight strokes, while setting a tournament scoring record, but it’s the details and moments of triumph and dismay that make the multiple trips around those 18 holes so memorable and intriguing.  Once again, I volunteered to caddy for the money guys in two of the Pro-Ams.  On Monday, I unknowingly caddied for the mayor of Hillsboro (one of the other caddies looked him up on her phone, so I found out after the round), who was a pretty fun guy that looked a lot like the zany David Feherity.  Our pro was the vivacious and pretty Jenny Suh, who continued to prove that these ladies are not just great at golf, but the best ambassadors for the sport period.  She was personable, funny, patient, and helpful to the amateurs.  She coached local sports radio talk show host Isaac Ropp from wildly erratic play early in the round to a series of great shots by the end.  This has been true of all of the other players I’ve encountered so far in this environment.  For the Wednesday Pro-Am, I was able to recruit an old friend, Jon, out to join me.  He is not a golfer, nor does he know much about the game, so he was nervous and worried about taking part.  However, aside from the waiting around part before getting assigned to a group, he did fine and had a great time.  Our pro was Lizette Salas, whose heartwarming story of getting to the LPGA is one made for TV (see here), as she came from rags to riches through the hard work and support of her family and her own perseverance.  She was quiet, but she began to be more open and funny as the round progressed.  

The caddy gig is always a must, especially because of the up close view of these professionals and the chance to see the golf course from the fairways, but the tournament itself is what really gets my adrenaline pumping.  As always, I try to follow groups through entire rounds and preferably two full rounds each day.  Making the decision of who to follow is getting more and more difficult each year, as I am collecting more and more favorite golfers, plus I am devoted to supporting Jee Young Lee, the pro from my first caddy experience in 2012.  I decided to cheer on Jenny Suh from the Monday Pro-Am for the Thursday morning wave and Jee Young Lee for the afternoon. Both players shot rollercoaster rounds of two under par and one under respectively.  Jenny Suh started off slowly before a couple of bogeys had her already eight shots off the early lead.  Luckily, she rebounded with a stellar second nine holes, which included four birdies.  

When Jenny finished I raced over to the first tee to catch Jee Young Lee tee off with her group.  There is a lot of exercise and no rest out on the course for rabid golf spectators like me.  Like Jenny, J.Y. Lee had a crazy round.  She opened with an effortless birdie on the first hole and worked her way to three under par through the first eight holes.  But then, suddenly all went awry.  She bogeyed the 9^th hole, and then hit a drive that bounced over my head and into the trees on the 10^th hole, which led to a shot into the water hazard and a double bogey – erasing her progress and putting her back to level.  This is one of three shots Jee Young hit directly at me, making me wonder if she was trying to get rid of me.  The round continued along a similar erratic pattern, but she managed to scratch out a hard fought one under round.

Friday was the reverse: JYL in the early AM and Jenny in the afternoon, with even less time to connect from round to round.  However, it was two of their playing partners who stole the show this day.  Caroline Masson, from Germany, continued to hit solid shot after solid shot and then got hot with her putting, leading her to a best of the week eight under par 64 for the day.  Jee Young Lee also played well.  Early on, her iron play was a bit wobbly, but she kept scratching out fantastic and nerve wracking par saving putts, which twisted my guts into knots each time.  Luckily, she started hitting the ball more consistently, and then finished with two nice birdies on her final two holes (8 and 9), including about a 30 foot bomb on the ninth hole. During the round, her caddy introduced himself, perhaps noticing that I was one of two people who followed the group every single hole and after the round he and Jee Young came up behind me as I was studying the pairings guide (tee time schedule).  We were all giddy from the finish.  We chatted for a few minutes and I was so excited I completely forgot my main goal for the week, which was to leave the tournament capturing a picture of her and I together.  I’ve said this every year since 2012, but it has yet to happen.  My mind turns to jelly when she is in front of me and I guess I swoon like a teenage girl at a Beatles gig.  No picture taken, but a thrill to meet her again, especially under happy circumstances.

Quickly and filled with a buzz, I scooted over to the first tee to see the Jenny Suh group.  Again, it was her playing partner, Candie Kung, who shot a flawless round of golf.  She wound up shooting a six under par 66 for the day, but it could’ve been so much better – like record breaking better.  She missed at least five very makeable short range putts for birdies.  She kept placing the ball close to the pin after hitting every approach shot from the center of the fairway.  Candie’s caddy was oddly captivating too.  He looked like one of those old large size G.I. Joe dolls with the felt hair and beards and would read the greens for Candie with extreme exuberance.  He seemed to use his whole body, flopping around, crouching, lying down and circling the hole repeatedly.  It was all very strange.  Meanwhile, Jenny struggled and was clearly frustrated.  She simply could not get anything going.  She managed to steal a couple of birdies along the way, but finished poorly and wound up with a one under round.  Good news is that both made the cut, so the drama of seeing J.Y. Lee barely miss and barely make the cut the prior two years was avoided.

The weekend began with disappointment.  Because the PGA Championship was also this last weekend (congratulations to Jason Day for the big win!  Well deserved.), Golf Channel scheduled their television coverage of the Portland Classic during the time the live coverage of the men’s tournament was airing on CBS, so they could free up air time for their repetitive and endless post game breakdown.  The result being the players played in threesomes and teed off both the 1^st and 10^th tees to condense the field.  This is something normally employed for weather delayed tournaments to try to squeeze play into the scheduled days.  It was frustrating because it left me with only one chance to go around the course with a player.  As a result, Saturday was pretty non-descript overall, as Jee Young Lee really struggled with her iron play and only managed an even par round, which was a bit of a miracle considering the trouble she kept getting into.  Her round included a lipped out putt on the 7^th green that went on to slowly trickle down the slope about 30 feet away – apparently the hour or so of rain (finally!!) the previous day had not taken the fire out of these lightning fast greens.  This was also when Brooke Henderson grabbed complete control of the tournament – eliminating any final round drama.  The bright side is that my friend, Christine, joined me out there, driving in from Moscow, Idaho to see the final round and a half.  

Sunday was different.  We arrived comfortably in time to see Jee Young Lee’s group tee off.  She hit three fantastic shots into the par 5 tenth hole, and as I stood next to the 10^th green, Lee looked over at me, smiled, and mouthed “hi.”  I immediately melted.  All of these years, I was never sure if she even remembered who I was, as she has always held a pretty strong game face intensity during each round, and our language barrier has kept our post round interactions pretty limited.  She then stepped up and rolled in a birdie.  What a perfect start to the day!  I could not have been more excited.  It’s a good thing Christine and Jon were both there with me, otherwise, I may have floated off into the atmosphere.  The entire round was like this.  Jee Young Lee was smiley and chatty with her playing competitor, Ryan O’Toole, and her caddy Steve.  She had such a relaxed demeanor.  It was surprising and fun to see.  She played pretty well and finished the tournament at six under par overall, but this is when a creeping panic started to settle into my chest.  The tournament, the thing that keeps me going, one of the only things that inspires and energizes me anymore, was coming to an end.

Thankfully, my friends were with me, when Jee Young Lee and her caddy emerged from the scoring tent after her round.  Steve handed me Jee Young’s game ball, signed, and told us that she is retiring from golf.  She is going to move back home to South Korea, marry her fiancé, and start a family.  Christine was sure to snap a picture of JYL and me together – not allowing me to lose my head and forget, as usual, especially with this sudden news leaving me dazed.  Jee young Lee was kind enough to spend those few moments and say goodbye.  I am thankful for all of the great memories and thrilling moments and highs and lows she and her golf have provided over the last few years, but I will miss her.  I will miss following her progress on the LPGA.com leader board throughout the year from faraway tournaments.  

Looking at this picture now, I see her as a person relaxed and happy with her decision to move on.  Meanwhile I look terrible.  I look sick.  I look like someone in pain - physical pain from the cyst slowly growing in the base of my brain, which feels like someone has jammed a walnut through my skull, and the emotional pain of someone who does not know what to do to find contentment or happiness anymore, except out on the golf course watching a player who I will never see again.

Two years ago, after this tournament, I made a decision.  I realized then that the excitement and life-affirming joy that I always feel while climbing the hills following these wonderful women around a golf course was a feeling that was completely lacking in my personal and professional life.  I envy all of the people out there, from the players to the caddies, to the coaches and the LPGA events staff, for having a dream and going out and finding a way to live that dream each day.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that everyone involved has their issues, gripes, hassles, downfalls and nightmares – we all do.  This was when I decided that instead of complaining about my job day after day, I’d do my best to make my job better.  

I began the long process of studying potential software systems that could really enhance and streamline the processes of the non profit organization I work for.  I’ve struggled through bureaucracy, gotten involved with RFI’s and  RFP’s, contract negotiations, and stuff way above and beyond my pay grade all in order to essentially change my job into something that moves beyond the day to day putting out of fires, all of which could be easily prevented with decent planning and consistency in place.  During this time, there have been massive delays and road blocks and what feels like either devolving management, or my own diminishing ability to deal with the constant unnecessary chaos, or both. Somehow I have continued to push forward with this project, but the fulfillment has not yet been forthcoming.  Instead it has been a battle that I have a lot of wounds from.  I am losing the ability to believe that any kind of system can ever be implemented with any success, because the entropy of my work place seems to always lead to a confusing mass of disorganization and nauseating stress.

As I have mentioned in previous examinations of these annual LPGA events (New Life, Sparkle in the Rain, and Numb), I am increasingly discouraged with the direction of my life and am not sure where to turn.  As I return to work after my week long LPGA adventure, I return to piles of work that has been left undone during my absence, and to tons of needed preparations and information gathering for this big project as the implementation finally begins to come to fruition.  But there will be no available time to work on any of it due to the mess.  Part of me is tempted to walk away, though I have no plan for how to make a living as a back up.  Part of me wants to grind this out and see this damn project through, but I’m realizing more and more that even if I manage to get this thing to work and work well, it’s not a dream or something I am genuinely passionate about.  Will the effort be worth it?

Sparkle in the Rain

As I passed my always delightful and animated co-worker Jody in the downstairs hallway at work, we exchanged our usual greetings, but then she suddenly stopped.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I paused, “Maybe a little under the weather.”  This was my description of how terrible I have been feeling battling off the side effects of my new and massively increased immune suppressant medications.  I have not been tolerating the new meds well.  The side effects provide intense muscle pain, nausea, dizziness, weight gain and oh so much more.  All of this happened on top of an already broken heart leading from another failed attempt to find a shot at loving companionship.

“You’ve lost your sparkle.” She said with a level of concern I have not generally seen from her normally carefree attitude.

“Did I ever have a sparkle?’

Our conversation was then sidetracked by the interruption of more passing co-workers, which at this job always means some sort of errand will soon follow.  There is no way to stay on target there.  There are only passing moments of crisis that need immediate attention.

-----

This was an exchange that happened a few weeks ago.  Not much has changed since then.  I am still battling feeling sorry for myself, still filled with heartbreak and still feeling empty.  I am someone in desperate need for a vacation and that is what happened this last week.  The LPGA could not have arrived in town for the annual Safeway Classic at a better time.  It is something I look forward to every year and have blathered on and on about it here (via Summerside and Numb, and of course via the LPGA website last year, among others) and to pretty much anyone who is around.  So after a couple of days of trying to complete errands and to try to take it easy and rest, Wednesday rolled around and it was time to head out to Columbia Edgewater Country Club to fulfill my volunteer caddying gig.  

There are two major changes to this year’s edition of the tournament.  The first is that the venue has been moved back to Columbia Edgewater from Pumpkin Ridge for the first time since 2008, where it had been held for many years prior.  The second is that the tournament has been thankfully changed to the more traditional four round format, as opposed to the three round event it has been.  Any chance at more golf with these ladies is a plus in my book.

This would be my first year of going through every round solo.  I’m not sure that this is a good thing, because of my tendency to become too involved and lose myself in the proceedings to the point of madness.  It seems some levity and perspective nearby would be beneficial.  But then again, being solo may be a good thing.  It may be best not to have witnesses around to see me go through the emotional rollercoaster that I inevitably will experience.

 Paige Mackenzie

At any rate, once I arrived at the course on a beautiful sunny and comfortable day, my mind began to let go all of the sadness and dread and started to feel anticipation and excitement.  I was quickly assigned to the amateur partner I would caddy for and we found out that we’d be playing with the incredibly amiable Paige Mackenzie, who is originally from Yakima, Washington (which she jokingly calls the Palm Springs of Washington).  She was glowing and bright and funny and warm and I did watch her golf for a handful of holes during my first year of attending in 2010.  She was memorable, because she’s really pretty and has a unique style.  On that day, she was wearing a cardigan sweater, which I have never seen on a golf course before.  Anyway, she led us around this amazing course, which I wish I could play someday, but fear that its old money private status will lock me out of such an opportunity.  The way this works is that the pro and her caddy play a round of golf and mildly prepare for the tournament ahead and they are joined by four amateur golfers who pay for the opportunity to play with a pro and each of those players is assigned a volunteer to caddy for them.  The money raised for this event is put to different charities in the area.  Luckily, my guy, Cameron, was a good one with a pretty decent game and we worked well together.  I take the caddying job more seriously than most.  I know the game, understand the game and though I am not a good player, I know what to do and I actually think I’m pretty good at it.  It’s a great way to start the week.  Not only does one get the chance to meet one of these amazing women and get to know her in her element, but there’s a chance to see the golf course inside the ropes (the ropes are what keep the fairways and greens separate from the spectators) and learn about the hidden dangers and potential shots the players will face once the real competition begins.  Overall, it was a great time and nothing really crazy happened, aside from standing alone with Cameron’s clubs while I waited for him to buy a beer on the 7^th hole, and having hall of fame golfer and long time television announcer Judy Rankin come up behind me in a golf cart (presumably for research), stop and say “Hi,” before driving on and finding out that my camera now only takes blurry pictures.  Like last year though, I now have a new pro to root for!

 my nice camera

Thursday morning arrived with a surprise (to me at least) rain, thunder and lightning storm.  We have not had any significant rain for months and lightning is rare in these parts, but here it was.  The first tee times of the day were scheduled for 7:15 AM and my girl from last year’s Pro-Am, Jee Young Lee, was set to tee off at 7:48.  My plan was to follow her group and then find Paige Mackenzie’s group around 12:30 PM.  I showed up at the course at 6:45 ready to go and watched some players on the range and practice green lamenting the failure of my camera and my cheapness, which has left me with 2005 cell phone technology  It does have a basic (ically useless) camera, but no email.  I went to the huge porta-potty assortment, that was laid out like Stonehenge, for obvious reasons and while inside heard the intensity of the rain increase and an air horn blast signifying lightning in the area and for everyone to seek shelter.  As I emerged, I sought quick shelter in a covered patio area next to the pro shop.  This area, it turns out is where the players and caddies were designated to go, because before I could react, I was surrounded by about 45 LPGA players and their caddies, all sitting around silently fiddling with their far more advanced cell phones.  It was clear that I did not belong there, but I stayed still and tried not to make any sudden movements.  Security was in the area and I didn’t want to get tossed before anything had started!  A few more weather stops and starts followed, but play eventually began about an hour late. 

 Jee Young Lee

The last time I saw Jee Young Lee in person, about 54 weeks prior, she had gone from a player I had barely heard of to my new favorite golfer and I had this to say about seeing her finish last year:

“When she finished (her round), my companion Christine followed me around behind the grandstands, where I shook hands and offered continued support to Jee Young’s father, where he thanked me profusely again for my support.  What I really wanted was a chance to get a picture of me with her after the round, since I had taken so many of her with other people.  But as we circled around where the players exit the big stage of the 18^th hole and where there are generally autograph seekers and such, I saw Jee Young and her caddy alone with their heads down walking directly to the driving range to practice – with her father trotting over the join them.  It was that moment where I kind of lost it.  I think I confused Christine as I kept walking back and forth and leading us nowhere with lots of golfers and action still to be witnessed.  But it was that moment when I knew that this was it.  The tournament and the writing gig that I had been building up with anticipation for nearly an entire year was ending and I didn’t want it to.  This place is where I belonged!  I wanted to race down that hill and embrace Jee Young and help console her and hopefully find a way to console myself.  In that moment, I didn’t want to go back to my stressful job.  I didn’t want to go see all of my doctors anymore.  I didn’t want to go back to my apartment and be alone.  Being at that tournament and around those players lifted me to another plane where my illnesses and limitations no longer were a part of my life.  My constant daily headaches were barely noticeable, my energy level maintained enough to get me around those damn hills each and every day without fail, and I was filled with feeling and passion and confidence that often drift away from me during regular days.”

It sounds like a lot of hyperbole, but it really isn’t.  This is how intense I felt at the time and all of that returned the moment I saw JYL appear on the practice green and then head over to the first tee.  She has continued to struggle and play well only in spurts for the last year – but never consistently enough to finish at the top.  I wanted so badly to will her to a great weekend of golf.  I won’t bore anyone even more by going into the details of the round, except for a few things.  Jee Young Lee was playing with young American golfer Vicky Hurst and Venezuelan Veronica Felibert.  Vicky Hurst turned out to be interesting, because a retired guy from Southern California named John was there rooting her on, just as I was rooting on JYL.  It turns out that he attends the two or three events in Southern California every year to cheer her on and picks a tournament every year to travel to.  In other words, he is living my dream.  He is free to go see these women play golf when he wants to.  We chatted a lot during the round and found ourselves, as is common, rooting for each others' favorite as well.  We made plans to meet up again Friday afternoon to cheer on our gals.  Veronica Felibert is a really talented player, but she is way too deliberate for my taste.  Her pre-shot routine seemed to take days each time.  The other significant moment happened on the 13^th hole – a short, scenic par 3 over water.  It was terrible for JYL, but comically the moment I’ve been preparing myself for since last year when I noticed that Jee Young’s brother caddy seemed to have a quite an antagonistic relationship that was unhealthy.  This year, she has gone through more than one caddy (a position I would be more than satisfied to fill!!  Maybe that’s why I took the volunteer caddy job so seriously this year!), having left her brother behind.  At the 13^th, the tee had been moved forward – shortening the hole from the practice rounds – and her caddy did not account for this.  In other words, he gave her the wrong yardage.  She hit a towering perfect looking shot that curved in over the water from right to left directly at the flagstick, but unfortunately bounded over the bunker behind the green about 20 yards too far.  She picked up her tee and gave this new caddy a glare that one reserves for their biggest enemy.  I felt a chill run down my spine and a wave of anticipation surge back up.  If any time was my chance to jump right in and get a dream caddy job, this was it!  JYL walked up to her shot way ahead of everyone else and wound up hitting an amazing shot high up over the bunker from the thick rough onto a steep downhill slope and somehow stopped the ball within a few feet of the hole drawing ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ from the few of us watching.  She sank the par putt, handed her putter to her sheepish caddy and gave him a little punch to the shoulder.  She flashed a smile and my chance died right there.  When the group went to the next tee, her father (“pops”) came over to me and explained in broken English about the flub up the caddy had made.  I told him that I’m ready whenever they need me and we both laughed, even though I was not kidding around.  Anyway, the round ended with all three players at 1 under par and they would need to do better on Friday to make the cut and get into the running.  As John and I watched our group finish on the 18^th hole, Paige’s group was teeing off right behind us on the first.  No lunch break for me!  I turned around and headed back out onto the course.

Paige Mackenzie’s group included Amanda Blumenherst (who surprisingly had just announced that she was leaving tour tired of being apart from her new husband) and the fantastically silly Tiffany Joh.  Apparently, according to Paige’s mom (I got to know both of her parents out there) since Blumenherst was walking away from the game, the LPGA allowed her to pick her group, so it’s no surprise she picked Paige (they’d become friends on tour), since I get the feeling that everyone gets along with her, and Tiffany, because she simply explodes with fun-loving personality.  In fact, Tiffany Joh has made several funny music videos and posted them on Youtube (as ‘cupofjoh’), claims to be from Whale’s Vagina, CA on her twitter page (@tiffjoh) and has an incredible website that must be seen (tiffjoh.com).  They all played similarly to my morning group and all needed to do better on Friday.

Tiffany Joh
 

Friday morning arrived warm and sunny and my groups had switched tee times.  The morning would start out with the Paige Mackenzie group and finish with the Jee Young Lee group.  I learned a lot more about Paige through her mom as we strolled around the course.  Turns out that Paige has been struggling with a hand injury and back issues (She broke her back in college) and has only grossed around $42,000, which considering the expense of playing, traveling, paying for a caddy, agent, living, and who knows what else, isn’t very much, so she isn’t in a position to take time off to heal, because she needs to earn a living.  How can I not root for her?!  She wound up playing well, shooting a 4 under round and easily making the cut, which landed at 2 under (The ‘cut’ is when the field is cut in half for the weekend.  Those who do not make the cut do not earn money).  Neither Tiffany nor Amanda made the cut, as they both struggled on Friday, but Tiffany still gave me a funny grin as she exited the last hole (the 9^th) and headed toward the locker room.

Paige Mackenzie and Ji Young Oh signed hat

This time I was able to sit down for a few minutes and grab a quick bite to eat and send annoying text messages to a few unfortunate individuals about the proceedings.  They all humored me as I stood by and watched Jee Young Lee practice her putting.  This is the part of her game that seems to elude her.  She is so talented (they are all talented) and has all the tools to be a consistent winner.  During the three rounds I have watched her play; she has hit three of the most remarkable shots I have ever seen by anyone.  These shots that have made tears well up in my eyes and be thankful that I had sunglasses on to hide them.  But she struggles to sink putts consistently, which is the path to victory.

The afternoon round with JYL, Vicky and Veronica was rough from the beginning.  They also started out on the 10^th hole (and would finish on the 9^th) and shaky putting and missed shots were contagious in the group.  Vicky started out strong, but absolutely fell apart down the stretch.  Veronica couldn’t hit the ball anywhere near where she wanted and started to play slower and slower, which led their group to fall behind pace, which brought a warning to speed up.  Failure to do so can cause a 2 stroke penalty, which would make this all the more troubling.  Vicky and Jee Young were clearly flustered and were playing way ahead of Felibert, but it didn’t seem to encourage her to play any faster.  JYL had managed to get herself to 2 under par, but bogeyed the 17^th and 18^th holes and spent the entire second nine fighting back through the slow play and her failing iron play (she started hitting a lot of shots left and into trouble) and she lipped out no less than five putts and also had one miraculously and unbelievably sit over the edge of the hole, but not take gravity’s course and fall in!  Six putts she could’ve easily made.  One of those birdie attempt lip outs happened, and I shit you not, when some muffler-less truck gunned down the side street that runs adjacent to the 7^th hole, blaring Peter Tosh’s “Legalize It,” just as she started her backswing.  She then lipped out a putt for birdie on the par 3 - 8^th after a really solid short iron put her in fairly close, after which she smacked her leg so hard that I was worried she might’ve damaged something.  I fell to my knees (not a good thing in my decrepit condition, because I may not be able to stand again) and buried my face in my hands.  John, my two day cohort, who had already lost hope with Vicky Hurst, but still maintained his composure put his hand on my back and quietly said: “There’s nothing you can do.”  This missed birdie putt meant that Jee Young would have to sink about a 160 yard approach shot for a two on the par 4 and difficult 9^th hole – she was stuck at even par for the tournament.  Any sign of a sparkle that I had gained in the rain the day prior dissipated as I walked alongside the 9^th fairway watching her chances of winning or even earning money for this long trip fall away.  It is so difficult to watch this all unfold in person.  It was so difficult to watch all three of these players fighting so hard to make it, but all for naught.  Unlike most other sports, there is no guaranteed contract.  As Jee Young pitched the ball from just left of the green and tapped in for par, she hugged her caddy and immediately grabbed three golf balls from her bag, signed them and gave them to the Oregon Junior Golf kids surrounding the green.  

Jee Young Lee signed golf ball

I said my parting to my new friend John and dejectedly headed out toward the exit.  I paced around frustrated by that covered area I had found myself in the day before.  I used one of the porta-potties again as precaution and then emerged with Jee Young Lee standing with her caddy talking quietly.  Her dad had not been out there this day, so it was just the two of them.  As was the case last year, I wanted nothing more than to offer sympathy and compassion and to try to do something to help ease the situation, but instead I decided I would just walk by and head out.  As I did so, the caddy, whose job I tried to steal, stopped me and said “Thanks for cheering us on!”  I turned around and offered my condolences.  I got to speak with Jee Young for a few minutes.  I’m not sure how much she understood, since she’s from South Korea and English is not her first language.  I’m not sure if she remembered me taking the wacky picture of her and “snacks” in front of the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile the summer before, as she nodded that she did, but it meant the world to me.  She smiled wide and spectacularly and thanked me and signed the golf ball that she had used for the round and gave it to me and I felt better, but still incredibly helpless and empty.  There’s clearly a huge hole in my heart right now and not even the LPGA can rescue me.

"Snacks," Jee Young Lee and the Wiener Mobile

The remainder the tournament was exciting and fun, as expected, but I had put too much energy into cheering on JYL to fully enjoy the rest.  I cheered on Paige Saturday & Sunday and she did well, finishing overall in a tie for 23^rd at 10 under par.  After she and Ji Young Oh finished up on the 18^th hole, I raced out to watch the penultimate group to catch young Thai golfer Pornanong Phatlum in her 70s cop sunglasses with her caddy brother in matching crazy skirt and short combination (how can I not cheer for her?  I can say this about almost all of these players).  She had a chance to win her first ever LPGA event going in to the day, but the pressure got her and you could see the tension increase in her arms with each putt.  In the end Suzann Pettersen won for the second time in the last three years playing spectacularly again.  There’s always next year for Jee Young Lee and Paige and the rest of my favorites, who I am not always able to watch while out there.  And for them there’s always the next tournament and I will be there in spirit, wishing I could be out there with them.

Pornanong and Pornapong Phatlum